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I`m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Sometimes, late at night in the market..i switch up all the color tubes in the hair dye kits.
The best thing about telepathy is... I know, right!?
Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks: Why don’t you eat all the food?
I pointed to two hags sitting across the bar from us and told my friend "That`s us in 10 years". She said "That`s a mirror".
Debate?.....isn`t that what you use to catch "The Fish" ?
Your name should be Gelette because you`re the best a man can get
I never thought you could really guess too low whenever a woman asks you her age. I guess 6 was pushing it.
When a girl says: "If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best"... What she really means is: "I`m a f*ckin psycho."
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they´re going to be when you kill them.
I just spent a lot of time trying to form a thought when it would`ve been easier to just say, "F*ck it."
I start every morning with a simple affirmation: I will not murder anyone today.
You’d think the chances of putting in a USB drive wrongside-up would be 50-50, but nope, 90-10.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
For once I would like to see a horoscope that says, "You`re totally f*cked this month"