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Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
You might be addicted to Facebook if you read my post`s every day...
My girlfriend would be so mad if she found out that I`m telling people she`s my girlfriend.
So this guy pointing a gun to my face was like: Your money or your life! and I was like: I`m on Facebook, I don`t have money or a life.
Paying a homeless man to pee on your ex`s windshield, is just about the most fun you can have with 5 bucks.
Lately I`ve been convinced that some people were born solely for purpose of eventually pissing me off...
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
I`d care more about your feelings if they came with a toy and chicken nuggets.
I dont care how you live your life, so just let me live mine. Yeah whatever.
A friend like you is worth a million dollars. So, if you don’t mind…can I sell you? :D
I bought a little bag of air today, and the company that made it were kind enough to put some potato chips in it.
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I KNOW HOW TO HIDE A DEAD BODY
Her: Do you want to run away with me? ME: We won`t actually be running, right?
Just seen a homeless dude with a sign that said "too ugly to prostitute."
I always look out for #1 ... unless I`m walking thru my yard, then I look out for #2