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Why are people sad when potatoes can be cooked in like 200 ways?
Netflix is raising rates again? Man, whoever`s password I`m using has got to be pissed!
Walked into the kitchen for orange juice; walk out with sandwich, crackers, chocolate milk, and the TV remote I lost 30 minutes ago
I still believe in love. But I also believe in sasquatch, nessy, and that I could win the lottery. So there`s that....
Imagine how freaked out the first human must of been on the first sneeze.
That awkward moment when you go for a run and your boobs start to bounce up and down.......and you`re a guy.
They have all those non-smoking laws in public places so let’s now all focus on passing some perfume/cologne usage limits.
says if you don`t like the way I live my life, than there is some good news... you aren`t me!!
When you’re old, my kids will be in charge. I’m so, so sorry.
"I believe I can fry" - R Kelly filling out McDonald`s application
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn`t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat...
If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn`t have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.
This is my first lame status of the year. Enjoy!
Found out the difference between onions and men. I don`t cry when I`m chopping up men.
I only say "bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume it didn`t take and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.