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So what was the best thing before sliced bread?
My kids keep bugging me about dinner even after I told them I already ate...
I send more time looking for porn than actually watching it.
Rubix cubes are EASY....when you`re color blind.
Whenever there is an awkward silence try whispering, "Did you forget your line?"
On your deathbed tell everyone "pray for me" then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says "pray harder next time."
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Relationships always start out as "You`re smart and funny." and end up as "You think you know everything and it`s all a joke to you!"
Wind chimes? I can`t see myself saying, its too quiet, you know what`d be nice? Noise.
I know how to wink my eye in like twelve different languages.
Share this if you know someone who is alive today simply because you don`t want to go to prison.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know.
I’m not positive that having the TV volume on an odd number will destroy the world, but lets not risk it.
You know you had an awesome night when you need sunglasses to get food out the fridge.
When you are not happy and would like to go back to being young, think of Algebra!