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I don`t care about your status...
I´m not cheap, but I am on special this week
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
I always laugh at myself. If I didn´t, everyone else would be having fun without me.
Never trust a skinny chef
Do you know who invented the Knock Knock joke? I don`t know either, but whoever did should get a no bell prize.
That awkward moment when you realize this year is just going to be filled with morons talking about the end of the world the whole time.
Trying to figure out how to ask a girl on a first date of Netflix and pizza without sounding all serial killery
Paying bills is fun and easy when you have a bottle of wine and a shredder.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Maths teacher: If you have 12 chocolates and you give 5 to Mary, 3 to Claire and 2 to Elizabeth then what will you get? Me: 3 new girlfriends.
My mom just walked in and called me gay... If my nails weren`t drying i swear to God..
"Last man standing" is the winner in most contests, but the runner up in musical chairs.
If there’s one thing that I’ve learned it’s, that I should have learned way more than one thing.
By thigh gap you mean the distance between the KFC and my mouth right.