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“Why is life so hard?” – Me, trying to open a jar of peanut butter.
Please do not read this.
One thing I`ve learned about women is they prefer that I don`t speak
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out...you have issues bro
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
My 6yo`s homework today is learning how to count backwards. Yep, that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
As a child, my mom told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
So you constantly feel sorry for yourself and feel the need to tell everyone all about it. I can’t imagine why he left you.
I`ll do whatever it takes to be the mistake you can`t live without
If pigs could fly.. Would I be able to get high on bacon?
Who ever said, "The customer is always right", clearly never worked with the public a day in their life.
Sometimes you have to burn a few bridges to keep the crazies from following you.
I love my six pack abs so much that I cover them with a layer of fat .
If your cat has a Facebook page, we can`t be friends.
Microsoft Excel has got to be the worlds worst video game.