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As a man I am so thankful I don`t have to give birth. I could never go nine months without drinking.
My weekends are basically just spent splitting a bloomin` onion with my bros at Outback Steakhouse while trying to figure out why girls don`t like us.
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where is my phone?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch, dumba$$."
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
I found out why I`m still single. Apparently, you have to go outside and let people see you.
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
I would like to think I will die a heroic death, but it`s more likely I`ll trip over my dog and choke on a spoonful of frosting.
If the shoe fits, wear it. Unless they`re not yours. But you can still were them. It`s just a road test, after all.
If you scream in a library, people just look at you funny. If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
After a certain point, the `F` on the thermometer no longer stands for Fahrenheit.
Don`t half a$$ it. It`s not a real nap unless you take your pants off.
Really disappointed to find out after laser eye surgery I am unable to burn down buildings
Just assume that we aren’t close enough for you to send me a game invites on Facebook.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Nothing says you mean business more than putting on a bib before you eat a girl out