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I swear that logging in to Facebook has become the equivalent of opening the fridge door and staring inside even though you`re not hungry.
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
What do sleeping and sex have in common? ... I`m not getting nearly enough of either.
I`ll never understand why single women waste so much time on dating websites when there are so many eligible bachelors right here in this adult bookstore.
Why does the alphabet need to be in order anyway
You`ve never been truly drunk until you`ve had to use a barstool as a walker to get home.
Going to one of those places where you chop down your own Christmas tree, and then try to get away before they catch you.
Without stupid people we would have no one to laugh at.
Learn cursive, they said. You`ll need it your whole life, they said.
You can call someone who makes prosthetics a professional body builder
I can`t help but feel important when someone says there`s a special place in hell for people like me.
Screw doing situps...teddy bears don`t and everyone loves them.
I am better off now than I was 4 beers ago...
I trust Snapple facts more than CNN and Fox News.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.