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AA meetings would be better if AA stood for Alcohol Afterwards
"You`re right I`m sorry. You`re right I`m sorry. You`re right I`m sorry. You`re right I`m sorry" - me practicing for a successful relationship.
Just drove past the house where I lost my virginity. There wasn`t even a plaque or anything. Pretty ridiculous if you ask me.
Don`t blame me. You`re the one following a 41 year old man who just jumped into his bed like an Olympic athlete because scary monsters.
It`s so cold Miley Cyrus got her toungue stuck on her wrecking ball
I told my 4-year-old she couldn`t open any candy yet. So she ate a Tootsie Roll with the wrapper still on it. That kid is a problem solver.
A lot of people do not realize that the actor who played Wilson in Castaway is the same actor from the volleyball scene in Top Gun.
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
I’m surprised more people don’t Photoshop a cleaner house into the background of their pictures.
I`m not a mechanic so I don`t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
You know when you`re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That`s happened to me, only with beer.
I wish conversations were like user agreements, where I could skip to the end and just agree.
I am having one of those days where my middle finger answers every question.
You never really know if you`re over someone until you`re in the car and they`re in the crosswalk.
If you weren`t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn`t package them in rows of 15.