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I end a lot of my sentences with "just saying`, because saying, "you idiot" is considered offensive.
I did responsible things all day so tonight will consist of nothing that even resembles responsibility.
I love the people in parking lots with "free kittens" signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn`t be oppressed.
Talking to you makes me invent new swear words.
I hate that I have to put on clothes to participate in society.
What kind of jerk makes an anti-anxiety pill difficult to break in half?
I hate that part of the morning where I have to get out of bed and participate in real life.
that strange moment when you get in the van and theres no candy...-Drew Balthaser
Wife fell asleep on the couch so I drew a spider on her glasses with dry erase marker. And now we wait...
Does this 50 pound bag of cat food make me look single?
Lust is not real love and Tombstone is not real pizza, but both are fine when you`re drunk.
I hate mosquitoes, I mean I know I’m delicious but damn.
Without ME, it’s just AWESO.
Anything is legal when there`s no police around
Whoever said "Just showing up is half the battle" (a) didn`t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.