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Can`t wait to be full of Christmas beer! I mean cheer. No, I definitely mean beer.
I need me a pretty girl with an ugly girl personality
When I see people jogging outside I like to drive slowly down the road behind them blasting “Eye of the Tiger” just to give them motivation.
"How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?" -guy who invented condoms
I wish my personality allowed me to write deep and meaningful statuses sometimes, oh well. Titties!
Until today, I thought American Horror Story was a book about marriage.
I’m that kind of person who between two choices always pick the wrong one.
You think you`re pretty smart until you have to figure out how to turn on someone elses shower.
Guys you should never overreact when you hear the words, " The babysitter is late."
Sometime when I`m home alone I like to fill my bathtub with spaghetti and pretend I`m a meatball.!
Some people think I`m quiet, others wish I was.
Bored? Text "Our condom broke." to a random number
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets!
Orgasms are alot like pizza. As long as I have pizza I don`t really care if you don`t have any pizza.