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You can tell a guy has a woman in his life when he remembers to do stuff like put on deodorant and wipe his butt most of the time!
I used to work at a fire hydrant factory. I couldn`t park anywhere near the place
For all the taxes they take out of my paycheck they should at least send me a picture of the broke ass family I support to hang on my fridge.
Don`t sweat the small stuff. Don`t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty a$$ elsewhere.
"I have to go eat cake now", should be a perfectly valid reason for leaving a social occasion where cake has not been provided.
You know the road is in bad shape when you drive to the grocery store and your fitbit registers 1,000 steps.
I’d be much more interested in meeting people if I didn’t think most people were idiots.
When I say "It’s a long story," it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.
It`s so hot I have my air condition set on bankruptcy.
The first guy who persuaded a blind guy to wear sunglasses, must have been a hell of a salesman.
Sometimes when it rains I go outside with a cocktail umbrella and pretend I`m a Giant.
Farts are just ghosts of things that we ate. ;D
Why is it when you take a break from Facebook everyone assumes you`re happy and in love ... Maybe I was in jail.
Turns out having boobs only gets you stuff if you don`t have a penis as well.
"Based on a true story" means it happened more or less like this, but with ugly people.