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The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Note to Self: Next time I leave my wife a message that I`m in a threesome all afternoon, specify it`s golf.
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
My whole life consists of wondering whether or not to make the sarcastic comment.
If you still pay for porn I just want you to know I have a butter churner and an abacus for sale.
Hey, if it doesn`t work out, we can still be friends. Said no guy ever
Ran out of toilet paper, so I had to use leaves. Just kidding, but my son learned a big lesson about leaving his clothes on the bathroom floor.
Whether you`re a woman or a straight man, taking a bra off is likely to be one of the high points of your day.
Easy come, easy go describes my last 12 cases of beer and 17 relationships.
I often ask myself "What`s wrong with me?" and the answer is ALWAYS "You can`t drink at work"
Over half the contacts in my phone are named “Do Not Answer”
What if dogs bring the ball back because they think you enjoy throwing it?
Nobody talk to me until I`ve Instagrammed my coffee.
I think that a lot of conflict that happened in the Wild West could`ve been avoided had architects in those days just made their towns big enough for everyone.
Do you like the strong, silent type? Then you`ll love my farts.