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Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
You hate me? I didn’t even know you existed.
Nothing is more comical than seeing someone tiptoe with cheeks clenched hastily en route to a washroom to do #2.
A pessimist thinks that all women are sluts. An optimist hopes that they are.
I just got kicked out of the Zoo! How was I supposed to know that real hippos don`t actually eat marbles?
I don`t care if you`re here to murder me - we take our shoes off in this house.
Are you guys sure common sense can`t be beaten into people ? Because I`d like to give it try!
A new heavy metal Christian Rock band will soon be releasing their debut album. They`re called Nuns `n` Moses.
The reason grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup are such a great combination is because they are the same basic ingredients as pizza.
Can anybody PLEASE tell me where you buy Common Sense?? I know several people that need some!!!
Merry Christmas week! The time when it’s totally fine to put Peppermint Schnapps in your coffee every morning!
I dont believe in beating my kids, so I make them wear a Justin Bieber shirt & crocs to school so the other kids will do it for me.
Whenever I drive past the psychic’s empty parking lot, I think, if I was psychic I would only be open on the days I knew people were coming.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.