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A recent survey revealed that 4 out of 5 women think I`m an a-hole...
Sarcasm: because snapping a neck is frowned upon in a court of law.
I don`t think we do get smarter as we get older. I just think we run out of stupid things to do.
If your pillow fort hasn’t got an armory filled with Nerf guns, then you’re not really taking pillow forting as seriously as you should be.
Enough with procrastination, it’s time for excuses.
Knife > gun because if I pull a knife, you don`t know what I`m gonna do. Stab you? Open a letter? Or am I gonna frost a cake? It`s a mystery
I think people who challenge me at Words With Friends are most impressed with my vast knowledge of three letter words.
You think I’m mean? If only you knew what I say in my head.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don`t think this relationship is going to work.
I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow but I’m going to be too busy sitting on mine
It`s not too late to start convincing our children that the world really did end in 2012 and we`re the survivors.
I think the saying "every man for himself" was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Do you know what I hate worse than people? Groups of people.
If you catch a homeless couple having sex is it rude to tell them to "get a room"?
Why do they call it "Jew-ish"? Are they not Jew enough?