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I`m just here until I can make day drinking a full time job
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy`s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
My favorite iOS7 feature is how it distracts me from the fact that I`m wasting my life poking a glass screen.
My sister says god`s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers, so I bought her a vibrator because she`s obviously never had an orgasm.
sometimes... late at night... i rearrange traffic signs. people need to be challenged.
Anytime my boss leaves her office, I sneak in there and fart.
The snooze button, because there’s nothing like starting your day off with a little procrastination.
Couples Halloween costumes always end up looking like one person went along with it to save the relationship.
You know you`re non-domesticated when the only reason you finally transfer the dishes from the sink to the dishwasher is so you can gain access to the garbage disposal.
Im 6`1", blue eyes, light brown hair, fit, own my own compa......oh crap, wrong website, sorry.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
The girl at the Taco Bell drive thru gave me this “I know your high” look. I snatched my 37 crunchy tacos and got out of there.
The bad news: I took the wrong medication today. The good news: For the next 3 months I`m protected against heartworms and fleas.
The girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy.. so I went out and got drunk.
My Superpower is eating 5 times the "suggested serving" size.