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Summer is here. I`m in the process of moving all my bad habits outside.
The best moments in life are the ones you don`t tell anyone about.
If thought bubbles appeared magically above my head I would be so screwed!
They should make a medal for anyone who uses an entire tube of chapstick without losing it.
When pornstars get up to speak in front of a large group, do they picture people with their clothes on?
is actually feeling pretty much okay about not accomplishing anything this year.
Is it true that the older you get the crazier you become? Or is that just me?
Sometimes, I`ll start a text with "lol" if it might be a sensitive subject. Like, "lol it`d be cool if you moved out."
SOCIAL WORKER: cop without a gun, judge without a gavel.
I hate when men`s restrooms have no urinals and a bunch of women in them.
The closest I`ve come to being an athlete is using Adobe Acrobat.
I was halfway through a recipe when I read the instruction "Now chill in fridge for at least two hours". I only managed 30 minutes. I was freezing.
Money went much further in the 1980s when you could peel the price stickers off milk cartons and stick them on anything you needed
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Today I´m going to entertain the kids with a game of duct, duct, tape.