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I know it’s 3 meals a day, but how many should I eat at night?
Once and for all, I agree to ALL "the terms and conditions" that have or will ever exist!
I don`t have to run faster than the lion, I just have to run faster than you.
I have no problem admitting that you made a mistake.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not "content creator"?
If you play my workday backwards, it’s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying.
When your wife`s in labour, never sneak a look at the business end; it`s like watching your favourite pub burn down.
The human body has 7 trillion nerves and some people manage to get on every single f*cking one of them
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
I hate how after an argument I think of really clever stuff I should have said.
Sorry I said "at least it`s healthy" when you asked me how cute your baby was.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
The best thing about having male genitals is sharing it with people who don`t.
Why do single people take advice from other single people? That’s like Stevie Wonder giving Ray Charles driving directions
They say children are a gift from god. I`m totally wide-open to regifting.