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Cranked the treadmill up to MAX for 15 minutes. When I finally took a break my roller skates were hot to the touch.
I keep forgetting how bad my memory has become
I don`t always drink beer. But when I do, I always lie about not always drinking beer.
My earthquake kit is just a tuxedo, because in case of a disaster, I want to look like the most important person to save.
After much thought and careful consideration, I`ve decided not to do a damn thing today.
I used to date a magazine editor. But, I broke up with her because she just had too many issues. No YOU shut up!
Rick Ross be rapping about cars he can`t even fit in.
Reason number 347 why I hate Facebook: A guy from high school posted 11 new photos all with the caption "me"
auto-correct has got to be my worst enema.
Why do they call a status a status if it already happened? I mean, shouldnt it be called History?
I think I really have an amazing butt, every time I talk to someone and start walking off they say,"what an a$$.."
If you cannot FACE your problem, then the problem is your FACE.
I can`t wait to be ashamed of what I do this weekend
I`m one of the nicest a$$holes you could ever hope to meet.
All I want is a little more than I’ll ever get.