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Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior. Me: Can I have another? I`d like to bring a guest.
Shoutout to my parents for not wearing a condom and creating the most awesome person alive.
"Rear facing, pedal activated photon cannon" sounds much more badass than "brake lights"
Live life to its fullest even if that means eating everything in the fridge
Some things are better left unsaid, but I`m probably gonna get drunk and say them anyway.
Double Stuff Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
he who laughs last thinks slow
After opening this month`s electric bill, I am no longer scared of the dark.
My boss doesn’t like it when I play slavery songs at work….
My hearing is fine. There`s no need to repeat yourself! I ignored you perfectly well the first time.
I`m so broke right now if anybody robbed me they`d just be practicing
Hell hath no fury like a hungry me.
It`s scientifically proven that stress is caused by giving a f*ck.
Everyone sends text like "good morning sunshine", so I texted "good morning solar eclipse" ... Yeah, don`t do that.
You ever notice that the number of extra steps a drunk takes getting home? ...its staggering!