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I just told my brother he was adopted, his response was, "At least they picked me"
Never trust a person with only one Facebook photo of themselves.
you know....I wasn`t planning on going for a run today....but those cops came out of nowhere
Just saw a guy with a Support Dyslexia bumper sticker on the front of his car.
Why doesn’t a deli slicer just have a scale on it?
I`m living in a drama-free bubble today. Respect the bubble people, respect it!
I can`t wait to get home and have make-up sex! ... I`ve been arguing all day with myself.
If you ever feel sad and blue, just remember that somewhere in the world, there`s a fat kid who just dropped his ice-cream.
It isn`t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door. I`m fine by the way.
Example of the difference between `You`re`and `Your`: 1. "You`re nuts" = "You are nuts" 2. "Your nuts" = "What about my nuts?"
Like a good neighbor, strip clubs are there
I tried to be a Rap Singer once. Sadly my rap album, `I Respect the Police & the Risks They Take to Keep My Community Safe`, didn`t do too well on iTunes.
Don`t text me while I`m texting you. Now I have to go back and change my text.
I hate when reality happens outside of my head.
Hillary Clinton is running for president. In other news, grass is green and the sun is hot.