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My favorite Facebook photo of your baby is easily #28,614
Things I didn`t learn in high school... how to pay bills buy a house apply for college but thank goodness I can graph a polynomial function.
If I share my food with you, its either because I love you a lot, or because it fell on the floor and I don`t want it.
I almost got raped in jail last night. My family takes Monopoly very seriously.
Halloween is the perfect time to redistribute those undesired condiment packets of ketchup, mustard, BBQ & soy sauce.
Ran out of toilet paper, so I had to use leaves. Just kidding, but my son learned a big lesson about leaving his clothes on the bathroom floor.
Sociologists say that social media is creating the laziest generation ever. I expressed my opinion in great detail by hitting the “Like” button.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It`s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
I want to tell my coworker I have strong feelings for her, but I`m afraid things might get weird if she knows I hate her.
It must suck when billionaires wake up feeling like a million bucks.
If I make you breakfast in bed. A simple `Thank you.` is all I need! Not all this `How did you get in my house?` business!
Don`t cry because it`s over. Smile because it happened. -Me, to my empty pizza box
I’m dedicating this status update to all the status-less people out there. Stay strong.
Mirror mirror on the wall, I am sexy; screw you all.