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The ceiling fan DOES NOT make a good lettuce shredder....
Watching a movie with the girlfriend tonight. Can anyone recommend a good girlfriend?
Never make decisions when you are angry....or horny.
"A vodka, please" "Sir, this is McDonald`s" "OK, a McVodka, please and super size it."
Just...sitting...thinking...planning my next move to get that new roll of toilet paper about 5 feet away from me.
Just got a Cheerio stuck between my toes walking through the kitchen. Clearly my dog isn`t doing his part of the chores around here
What if there actually is one legit Nigerian millionaire prince who genuinely needs to use your bank account?
What are the strongest days of the week? Saturday and Sunday. The rest are weekdays.
Your baby has no idea that you threw him a 1st birthday party. All you did was inconvenience your friends.
My body is by no means a temple but it can be one heck of a amusement park ride...
Very little scares me. So does very big.
Some people`s lives are like open books... Mine is like a trashcan without a lid.
If I`m ever in the hospital on Life Support, don`t just pull the plug. Pull it and plug it back in. Basically, see if you can reboot me.
I`m doing a charity gig tonight for people who struggle to achieve orgasm. Don`t worry if you can`t come
My diet could best be described as, "unchaperoned child at a birthday party."