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Getting out of bed feels like the worst thing that’s ever happened to me ... every time it happens.
I`m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
I don`t know what is longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
Your selfie would be way better if you weren`t in it.
Describe myself in three words ... 1. Lazy
ATTENTION LADIES: I will now be downgrading expectations from someone I can love to someone I can tolerate. Act now while this amazing deal still lasts!
L`oréal`s mascara makes your lashes 60% longer? Wow! They should make condoms.
"Never pick a fight with an ugly person. They`ve got nothing to lose." -Robin Williams
Why do guys cheat on pretty girls with ugly ones...?
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won`t tell you what they`re wearing.
The self-driving car should have an "I`m Feeling Lucky" button that drives you to a random location.
Have you ever loved someone so much deep in your heart, you wanted to keep them hidden from the world and all to yourself? Well, apparently its called kidnapping.
Whenever you feel nobody cares or loves you. You should ask yourself...Am I TOO sexy?
Someone just asked me if I was `happily` married. Single people are adorable.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness