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Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at your wife’s can shorten it.
You`re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU`RE RICH
Can`t afford P90X or INSANITY workout videos? Go find a wasp nest and slap the sh!t out of it. Never knew I could shadow box,bicycle kick,and twirl while floating.
People in love use phrases like “takes my breath away” and “swept me off my feet”. I think they’re confusing love with attempted murder.
Hating everything saves countless hours of decision making.
My death bed confession is going to be epic!
I`m a wealth of knowledge ... Unless you want it to be true, then I`m pretty solid on about 6 topics ... 2 of those might just be Doritos flavors
Sometimes I think "What would Dexter do"?
Roses are red. Monsters are green. Just look in the mirror. You`ll know what I mean.
6 inch - about right, 7 inch - cant complain, 8 inch - f*cking perfect, 9 inch - a bit much, 10 inch - its hurting my insides, 11 inch - I cant take it anymore, 12 inch - I`m absolutely f*cking destroyed ... Aren`t pizza`s just awesome.
Whoever left me in charge of my own destiny has a lot of explaining to do.
For a generation that allowed YOLO, BAE, and KIM KARDASHIAN to happen, you sure have a lot of f*cking opinions on how things should be run.
I suppose cougar is a better term than old whore.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Suggested serving size is only for skinny people right?