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I can`t wait for the day when my kids are old enough that I can drink with them and not because of them.
My sister told me I was not allowed to babysit anymore. Apparently the baby monitor is not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby`s ankle.
Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "klondike bar".
It appears that autocorrect has become my worst enema.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn`t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
My dentist said that bacon and soda works the same as toothpaste. Friends have said she meant baking soda....but I disagree. :)
Destiny may decide who touches your Life. Your heart may decide who touches your Soul. But…Tequila decides who touches your body
I’m always in a rush to get home so I can do absolutely nothing.
Getting old sucks. I use to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I feel more like a bounced check.
I always hear people say that a dog is man`s best friend, but I don`t even have enemies who`ll look me dead in my face while taking a sh!t on my carpet.
Kim and Kanye have been married WAY longer then I expected.
You`re beautiful until your Photoshop 30 day trial has gone.
New documentary movie about white trash .... I only saw the trailer ....
I`ll never need a shrink as long as my wife keeps pointing out whats wrong with me...
A roman walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers and says "Five beers please."