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Sometimes I say stuff without even meaning to be funny and I`m like "Man, my subconsicious is hilarious!"
I used to be able to stay out much later than this. I find I just can’t these days. My phone battery just doesn’t have the stamina any more.
The voices in my head tell me not to listen to the voices in my head, and now I don`t know who to listen to anymore
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she`s practising for her next selfie
I’m a really down to earth guy because, you know, gravity.
I`ll be right with you, I`m busy being inappropriate on the internet.
I never thought I’d be the type of person who would get up early in the morning to exercise. I was right.
My boss told me to have a good day so I went home.
What do people do with all the extra time they save by writing ”K” instead of ”OK”?
You never hear skinny people saying, "I`m just small boned."
That moment when you pour yourself a bowl of cereal and discover there`s no milk. So you just sit there, wondering why bad things happen to good people?
I`m always on the verge of running three miles, or drinking a bottle of Vodka
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic - Tacs.
Your so old, you knew Burger King when he was a prince.
Twice-baked potatoes, refried beans, etc.: Damn, people, cook it right the first time or get out of the kitchen!