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As a man, EVERY month is `Breast Awareness Month` for me.
We live in an era of smart phones and stupid people.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Do you ever think about sh!t you did in the past and just go why the f*ck did nobody punch me in the face?
Pretty much always 3-5 seconds away from just laying down wherever I am.
I know it’s “cool” to make fun of celebrities, but the Bieber jokes need to stop. That’s somebody’s daughter.
Tonight`s weather forecast: dark. Continued dark overnight with widely scattered of light by morning.
The Internet: 1% information 1% jokes 98% outrage over information and jokes
Some things make you go hmm. Some things make you go ugh! I make you go "Did he really just say that?"
Sneezing is like using sonar to find polite people.
I`m gonna hang a Batman costume in my closet just to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
I was only 6 numbers away from winning the powerball.
Lust is not real love and Tombstone is not real pizza, but both are fine when you`re drunk.
I thought there`d be more sex during my sexual prime.
Oh... the look on the Home Depot associate`s face when I asked him if the pruning shears will cut through bone... priceless.