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If you are offended by the things I post on FB you can only imagine the ones I don`t post.
I thought about going outside and doing something today but my Wi-Fi really doesn’t reach very far.
If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them.
I finally got some "me time" being away from the kids. Two whole hours. Would have gotten more, but my knees started getting numb from crouching behind the dryer.
I have a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you think I`m sexy!" Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Men are like lottery tickets. Very exciting at first, until you scratch away the surface to reveal the loser beneath.
I guess “Trying to be” isn’t really the answer the doctor was looking for when he asked if I was sexually active.
Why is it that when my wife refers to her friends as "girlfriends" its normal but when i call my male friends "boyfriends" i lose my friends?
I think eating is my kind of sport.
Thanks to the popularity of gifs, we are living in the golden age of silent films.
I`m always right. And when I`m not, I edit Wikipedia.
Beware of the deodorants with instructions that ask you to "remove the top and push up bottom"... they could at least make them round.
If the shoe fits, buy it.
We used to be afraid people on the internet would find us in real life. Now we`re terrified people in real life will find us on the internet
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.