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Do you ever have the urge to tell someone to shut up even when they aren`t talking?
Some days your the bug; some days your the windshield.
People in love use phrases like “takes my breath away” and “swept me off my feet”. I think they’re confusing love with attempted murder.
The best thing about falling down when you`re home alone is that you can just lie on the floor and take a nap.
Why don`t we wait for life on other planets to find us? Why do we have to do all the work?
I can tell a police officer is gay by the way he writes me a ticket instead of letting me off with a warning.
I like it here because not only do I get to air out my dirty laundry, I get to see yours too.
Damn, it`s like these people have never seen anyone bring a flask to the gym before.
24 hours in a day.. 24 beers in a case.. coincidence?
You see a mouse trap, I see free cheese and a challenge. ;)
If you were a cookie, you’d be a whoreo.
When ur mom Calls and u have a party at ur house you; shut up!! Answers phone you; hi mommy!
When people stare at me, I assume its because they are taking notes on how to be a bad a$$ motherf*cker.
Just tried to kill a snake in the backyard. And by kill I mean screaming as loudly as a human can in an attempt to make its head explode.
You can get away with farting at the zoo because you can always blame the animals...