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I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it`s a website to find love. So I was close.
My taste in music ranges from, "You need to listen to this" to "I know, please don`t judge me."
One thing I`ve learned about women is they prefer that I don`t speak
I am a little worried that every "evacuation route" sign is leading away from my house.
"How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?" -guy who invented condoms
"Karate" is an old Japanese word that means, "My kid can`t hit a baseball."
I thought about cleaning my room this weekend but didn`t do it. Then I remembered its the thought that counts so I feel better now
Nice try "Private Caller", but I wont`t answer even if I know you.
Stop waiting for the perfect moment. Take a moment and make that sh!t perfect.
Today I saw a cat with three legs, which was much better than finding the alternative, just a cat`s leg.
Imagine if someone`s name was Gurt. You`d be all "yo gurt!" .. funny? no? Ok (._.)
When people stare at me, I assume its because they are taking notes on how to be a bad a$$ motherf*cker.
I just realized that I haven`t done the "Hockey Pokey" in over 10 years. I guess when you get older, you just forget what it`s all about.
Do angry people know about naps?
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.