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Apparently a good way to get asked to leave the gym is to move a treadmill behind a guy on a stationary bike and pretend you`re angrily chasing him.
Who knew adulthood would involve so much Advil?
Your family tree must look like a cactus........everybody on it is a pr!ck
When I say ‘it’s a long story’, it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.
woman belong in the kitchen? thats where the knives are you fool.
Never believe a person who claims is telling the truth while holding a pack of beers in both their hands
Does this 50 pound bag of cat food make me look single?
Is it annoying when people answer their own questions? Yes it is. Do I wish they would stop? Absolutely.
“we should hang out soon” loosely translates to I’m doing everything in my power to end this stupid conversation.
If the universe didn`t want me to eat four pop-tarts for breakfast I wouldn`t have four slots on my toaster...
Just picked the remote up off the floor with my feet while lying on the couch, so I guess today was leg day...
The awkward moment when you realise you’re wrong in an argument, but you keep arguing anyway.
When I rule the world, it will be illegal to have an opinion until you`ve proven that you are not an idiot.
Home is where the pants aren’t.
I hope when Bruce Willis dies, it`s from a Viagra overdose. That way the headline can read "Bruce Willis Died Hard".