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I end a sentence with "just sayin" because ending it with "dumbass" would be offensive.
Boss: "Thanks for the coffee. You know what`d go well with this?" Me: "The antidote?" Boss: "No, a donu...Wait, what?" Me: "Nothing"
Don`t forget: it`s very important what strangers on the Internet think about you.
Life is never more confusing than when three people get together to order one pizza.
My neighbors don`t appreciate it when I skip along the property line, singing "This Land is My Land."
Excuse me but which level of Hell is this?
I tried to open a can of WhoopAss,, but it popped like a can of biscuits and scared me.
Over 500 channels and not a DAMN THING to watch! I suppose I should subscribe to some of them...
Actually officer, I`d prefer to think that vodka smells like me.
When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $4.95 a minute.
Taxes are like a subscription to your country that you can`t cancel, no matter how bad the service gets.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Volleyball = A more intense version of don`t let the balloon hit the floor.
I`m Outdoorsy, as in I like to get drunk and pass out in the yard....
Suggested serving size is only for skinny people right?