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2 cops walk into a bar… I don’t know what happened after that. I got the f*ck out of there.
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I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn`t hand out drugs.
I screamed a Brazilian times during that waxing.
My friends think I never listen to their opinions... like I give a sh*t what they think.
According to these court documents, the way to a woman`s heart isn`t through her bedroom window.
Things that make women emotional- 1) sad movies 2) love stories 3) anything 4) everything
My date just saved me tons of money by simply saying, "no, I don`t want to be your valentine and stop texting me!"
My mother said, “You won’t amount to anything because you procrastinate.” I said, “Oh ya…..Just you wait.....”
I never run with scissors. (those last two words were unnecessary.)
I don`t know why the Petco cashier gave me this look when I asked for the fish`s Birth date.
Why are police men so strong? Because they hold up traffic.
Love your enemies; after all, you made them!
90% of parenting is just screaming at your kids to stop screaming.
It`s not a real hangover until you bring a pillow into the bathroom.