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St. Patricks day is the only time you can ask somebody in public,"Do you want some green" without you looking suspect.
Have you ever looked at your ex and wondered...WAS I drunk the whole time?
I saved my husband`s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Doing it wrong is the only thing I do right.
I`m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
I decided I`m going to be poor... Its Cheaper :)
Technically, it isn`t pre-marital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
Pool party at my house, bring ur own pool..
Break the ice in a crowded elevator by asking how much everyone weighs.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour must be the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 month olds
tried being normal. Didn`t like the feeling, so I`m going back to being ME.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
If I had to describe myself with one word it would be "Doesn`t understand directions".
Ghetto Word of the Day: Window "Imma pay my baby mamma her child support. I just don’t know window".
Opposites attract, that`s the trouble with being awesome