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Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts..
My doctor said he`s been practicing for 30 years. When will he start doing his job for real?
Nothing says “I don’t give a sh!t” like a Hawaiian shirt.
When does paying taxes get shut down? Asking for everyone with a job.
My inner child has a bottle of vodka in one hand, a whip in the other and a broken halo sticking out of her back pocket.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years. Just kidding. I`m married and not allowed to make decisions.
If by `the Hamptons` you mean `my pajamas`, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons
So, which one of you is going to be the subject of your local news` annual turkey fryer accident story?
I think it’s pretty cool how Chinese people made a language made entirely out of tattoos.
Never underestimate a woman’s ability to make anything your fault.
Not everything on CNN is fake news. Some of it is commercials.
I`d rather SH!T in my hands and clap!
Do you really have to breath that much?
Me: I`m gonna lose weight. Me: I`m gonna exercise every day. Me: I`m gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?
Fart when people hug you. It makes them feel strong.