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That awkward moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to Bounce of 3 walls, Knock over a lamp and kill a cat.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles and pay to walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
I don’t understand ads on porn sites. like who is ever in the middle of jerking off then goes like “woah! that’s the new detergent?”
If you´re a millionaire and you don´t have trampoline floors or a giant slide that goes from your bed to an olympic sized indoor pool, then you should just give me all of your money because you´re wasting it.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
A coworker wouldn`t stop bragging about her upcoming trip to Hawaii, so I emailed her a bunch of pictures of plane crashes.
I hate when you offer someone a sincere complement on their mustache...and then she won`t talk to you anymore.
It`s not their fault, per se, but at some point, Crayola has to be held responsible for continuing to make crayons nostril-width.
May your life one day be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
"If Donald Duck doesn`t have to wear pants than neither do I!"- Me getting drunk at Disney World.
Even if gas prices go down, I´m still going to siphon gas from my neighbor´s car because I like the adrenaline rush and he´s an a$$hole
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Great friends never let you do stupid things......alone
The Super Bowl is over, everyone. Time to briefly learn the names of some Winter Olympians.
I`m the type of person that will burst out laughing in dead silence over something that happened days ago.