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If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she`s practising for her next selfie
I want to be the reason you look down at your phone and smile. Then walk into a pole.
Appearing on several episodes of Cops doesn`t make you a TV star.
I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "the Illuminaughty".
10 years ago Facebook came in to our lives forever changing our ability to judge each other from our couches.
what is the first thing a homeless person does when he`s on a computer? he searches through the recycle bin
I don’t drink water, unless it’s been through a brewery first.
is wondering where noah kept woodpeckers on his ark
Life before the internet was awful. Your friend would be wrong about a trivial issue during dinner and you just had to let it go
May your life be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
Sometimes I just go on Facebook to see who has been dumped and who is pregnant.
I want someone to look at me the way I look at cupcakes.
Im so lazy today, I am going to watch fast and furious in slow motion.
When you think about how big the Earth is, then how small it is compared to the Sun, and how the Sun is just a speck of dust in the universe, it`s easy to justify eating an entire chocolate cake.