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People that use statistics in everyday arguments are a$$holes 100% of the time.
Puttin the `eff it` in efficient today.
Currently helping my girlfriend look for her chocolates that I ate 5 hours ago...
Stalking is when two people go for a long romantic walk together but only one of them knows about it.
A "Lifetime Movie" describes how long it felt when you were watching it.
The only thing I ever win playing McDonald’s Monopoly is 10 pounds.
If I ever win the lottery and someone asks me for money I`m going to give them a dollar and say "Here. Go play the Lottery. That`s what I did."
I was going to do stand up comedy years ago but then I thought ...Ugghhh, standing...
The older I get, the more I sympathize with Squidward`s anger.
A lot of times I wonder if people think my girlfriend is only with me for my money.....but I am always reassured by the fact that I don`t have any money..........or a girlfriend....
I`ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I`m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
School was so much easier when 2 plus 2 equaled 4 instead of "X." Whoever decided to involve the alphabet in math deserves a solid punch to the face.
I bet all those girls that ignored me in high school would still be pretty pleased with that decision.
Just think, there is an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: "Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?"
So red or white wine with hamburger helper?