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I don`t go to bars anymore, but I miss some things about it. So sometimes I wait outside my bathroom for 15 minutes when I`m dying to pee.
I really wish Walmart had a 10 teeth or more line...
If my job was to make health questionnaires, I`d slip in random stuff like "How fast can you run backwards?"
Have we even tried giving Mother Nature a Snickers?
I’m better at remembering people who have bad breath than important historical facts.
I get my cardio from caffeine...
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS? EUROPE: How can we save our economy? AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Well, it`s almost the end of the year. No point in trying to become a good person this late in the game.
I ruined my health by drinking to everyone else’s.
Taught a man how to buy fish ... So much easier.
There are two types of people in this world: those who know how to handle stress, and those who need bail money.
This is supposed to be funny but I got nothing but do me a favour and like this...Yeah, okay, IM DESPERATE -.-
Guess it`s time to get to the part of the day I hate... the part which requires pants.
Friday Night Inspirational Message: You miss 100% of the shots you don`t drink.
You´d be amazed how often I´m wrong when people say guess what