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My favorite coffee in the morning is the one where no one talks to me while I drink it.
Always have faith and believe in yourself…well because..the rest of us think you’re an idiot!
9 out of 10 husbands agree that their wives are always right. The 10th one hasn`t been seen since the study was conducted.
I`ve been told that I never take responsibility for anything, and it`s all your fault.
My son just accused me of making stuff up. I wouldn`t mind but I don`t even have any children!
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM child
I’m not stealing my neighbor’s WiFi…their WiFi is trespassing into my house.
I overheard this guy bragging about his fancy hotel sweet. Ptttsht. They are nothing but cheap a$$ mints!
I`ve decided to add more positivity in my life. So, now when I say someone`s an a@#hole, I qualify it with......... but he`s really good at it...........and I`m positive about that!
I always learn from the mistake of others who take my advice.
Birth control pills should really be made for men. It makes more sense to unload a gun than to shoot a bulletproof vest.
I always have a note in my pocket that says "john did it" just in case I`m murdered because I don`t want him to remarry
I just wanna find a girl who loves me for my money. That way I wouldn`t feel bad for loving her for her body.
Did you hear about the homeless guy that tried selling me meth?.... Yeah it was Bumcrack.
One night, as I as lying in bed, I looked up at the stars and thought to myself: "What the f#ck happened to the roof?"