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Every day at work I wonder if this is going to be the day I accidentally scream "SHUT THE F*CK UP` out loud instead of just in my head.
Just dropped part of a cookie into my printer, so I hit "copy"
great day! laundry done, dishes and house cleaned.... who am I kidding? been drinking since 9 am!!
3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier`s face: Priceless!
My car said "low on fuel"..I replied "low on cash"..I`m still waiting for a reply..
It`s not working. I`ve napped every day this week at work and not a single raise or promotion. Sleeping my way to the top was a stupid idea.
She looks like the kind of girl that brings a suitcase on the first date.
Video Game Logic: Everyone worse than me is my bitch and everyone better than me has no life.
I will kill you with kindness even if I have to beat the shit out of you.
Is the "D" in Donkey Kong a typo? It should have been Monkey Kong right? These are the things that keep me up at night.
At what age is it appropriate to tell my friends that they`re imaginary?
If I didn`t drink, then how would everyone know how much I love them at 2am?
The difference between pizza and your opinion is that I asked for pizza…
I ate the whole box of Slim Fast bars. So excited about how skinny I`ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
Trouble is just fun you got caught having.