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Stop everything you’re doing. Think about me. You’re welcome.
Stumbled into bed late last night. "You`re drunk," she said. "Also, you live next door."
Dear Equifax hackers, Please delete my student loan balance, my medical bills and change my credit score to 850. Thanks.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
There are two types of people in this world: people who pee in the shower and liars.
I took a pic of my self a few days ago. Now I`m playing with it. Yeah...I`m playing with my selfie.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that`s not a risk I`m willing to take.
Couples Halloween costumes always end up looking like one person went along with it to save the relationship.
It`s ok to admit when you`re wrong. Just don`t tell anyone.
Condoms prevent minivans.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry until you`ve thought up a good excuse.
Experience with women has taught me that Jack was most likely pushed down the hill.
She calls it cuddling. I call it strategic body placement for the war of the covers that is about to take place.
Life is to short ... to waste time matching socks.
If you love someone, set them free. If they don’t come back, text them when you’re drunk.