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I`ll be thankful when this thankful month is over.
I log off because I`m bord... I log on 5min later because I`m bord
When my boss says, "women of a certain age" then looks at me, it`s ok to stab her with a letter opener, right?
I wish we had staff meetings in the garden. The plants would`ve love the fertilizer.
I`m so broke, if somebody tried to rob me right now, they would just be practicing.
My math is never so quick or exact as when I see an old flame with a child.
Instead of the John, I call my bathroom the Jim...that way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim every morning.
Oh no. I thought of a brilliant status to update while taking bath but by the time I got back to my phone I forgot it. This is why I hate taking a bath.
Guys you should never overreact when you hear the words, " The babysitter is late."
This stupid lady is taking forever using her damn coupons for her groceries. All these rolls of pennies are heavy! Hurry up!
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don`t have to shovel snow this weekend.
I don’t have a problem with friends who ask to borrow money. I love a good laugh as much as the next guy.
Single, means never having to say you`re sorry.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me. Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
My body needs a refresh button.