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You drink too much, swear too much and your morals are questionable. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted in a friend.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
There was a sense of accomplishment finishing the daily newspaper. I literally have no idea when I`m supposed to stop reading the internet.
Guys are excellent cooks. With two eggs, a sausage, & a little bit of milk...they can keep a girl`s stomach full for 9 months.
Sarcasm is like a good game of chess. Most people don`t know how to play chess.
Did I ever tell you about my old girlfriend? The one with the "Lazy Eye"? I had to break up with her, she was seeing somebody on the side..........................
How many divorced guys does it take to change a lightbulb?...........Who cares, they NEVER get the house anyways
Talk is cheap, until you hire a lawyer.
If you ever feel sad remember that there’s a number you can call and a pizza will be there in 30 minutes.
If I’ve learned anything from Game of Thrones it’s that I need a wolf.
The funny moment when a fat kid says "that`s how I roll".
If I pretend to be dead will you stop talking?
It may appear like I`m doing nothing, but i`m actively waiting for my problems to go away!!!
When I get a headache, I take 2 aspirins and keep away from children, just like the bottle says.
I’m not implying you’re stupid. I’m saying it outright. Here, I wrote it in crayon to help you understand.