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Funny how 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers a day seems so easy
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don`t come to work
It`s like my golf instructor thinks I`m mature enough to handle him talking about balls, and how to properly grip the club.
Dear World, Stop saying "twerk."
My life coach is the cashier at the liquor store.
Ever get the feeling someone is watching you when you sleep? Yeah, sorry about that.
If history repeats itself, I´m totally getting a dinosaur.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Faces like yours belong in the zoo. Don’t be mad, I’ll be there too. Not in the cage but laughing at you.
Screw you recommended serving size. You don’t know me.
Why is it that people who can eat really spicy food think the rest of us give a sh!t?
The older I get the earlier it gets late.
There are plenty of fish in the sea, but I like women.
To the guy who invented Zero: Thanks for nothing!
In other news millions of facebook user suddenly got their law degree
Sometimes in the morning while drinking my coffee, I think about all the people I will be pissing off.