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And then her mood ring just...exploded
The cashier at the dollar store told me to have a good day. Like my purchase of shelf liner suggested any other plan.
Oh you better not pout. You better not cry. You better not shout I`m telling you why. Nobody gives a f*ck.
Instead of cleaning my house I just watch an episode of hoarders and think " Wow my house looks great"
When it comes to bug protection, you just can`t beat "OFF!".
Your license plate should be your phone number... So when you drive like a dumbass, I can let you know about it.
"Why haven`t you been answering my pigeons?" -- Girlfriends in the 17th century probably
Facebook. Where people can express thoughts that otherwise might get them fired, divorced, thrown in a loony bin or all three.
This would be a "Good Morning!" status update, but it`s not, because morning sucks.
Nobody notices your pain, your happiness, your sadness, your state of mind. But everyone notices it when you fart in public
When I die, I want a cellphone in my coffin…just in case.
Screw love... I`d rather fall in chocolate.
I just threw a piece of food on the floor of my cubicle. Totally forgot my dog doesn`t work here.
I end a sentence with `just saying` because ending with `dumba$$` would be offensive.
I just googled, "understanding women," the computer crashed.