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My girlfriend thinks I`m a stalker. ..well, she`s not exactly my girlfriend yet..
I always say, "morning." Instead of, "good morning." If it were a good morning, I would still be asleep in bed instead of talking to people.
Why do people who insult themselves get mad when you agree with them?
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Life is not fair. But life is not fair for everyone, which actually makes it fair.
Well, the people outside are frightful.
Gun Control: Use both hands
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen - sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
2011: Come at me bro! 1800`s: Advance towards me brethren!
All my life I thought air was free… and then I bought a bag of chips. ^^
You`re the reason I wake up everyday. Just kidding I have a job.
Homes are 750 square feet larger today than they were 30 years ago. Unfortunately, so are most Americans.
The female praying mantis devours the male within minutes after mating, while the female human prefers to stretch it out over a lifetime.
You call it reckless driving, I call it searching for my lighter.
Just seen a homeless dude with a sign that said "too ugly to prostitute."