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I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn`t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Money can`t buy happiness, but I`d rather cry in a Ferrari.
Do Starbucks employees take coffee breaks?
I was told today to look at my life from a different perspective. I`m lying on the floor now and the shit still looks f*cked up.
I’ve been reading a lot about how to live and eat healthier and then not doing anything with that information.
Grown up pandas eat for 12 hours a day. In related news, it turns out I’m not fat. I’m a panda.
I bet if there were little basketball hoops above every garbage can, littering would greatly decrease.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
Maybe I`m not stalking you, maybe I just like your schedule
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed? Oh sheet.
Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.
If my walls could talk, they`d probably say "stop running into me you idiot"
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Good thing I`m judged on my actions and not my thoughts.