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Happiness comes from within. That’s why it feels good to fart.
I think on December 21 all the power companies should shut off the power for like 10 minutes just to make people flip out.
I`m gonna open a bar and name it Rehab.....
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream. Bring it.
Got bored today so I dressed up in tan pants and a blue shirt then went into Best Buy and quit.
Unwritten Rule of the Day: Don´t make eye contact while eating a banana.
Apparently, all those good looking people in the swimsuit catalogs go to a different beach than I do.
As i walk thru the valley of the shadow of death i was like what da f**k am i doin here
People complain about auto-correct but it is helpful 99% of the titties.
I use a blender to make protein shakes in my office every day. That way when I use it to mix up a pitcher of margaritas no one even notices.
A high school diploma takes you 12 years to get, 2 minutes to frame and a lifetime to forget where you put it.
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I`m thinking about getting her a treadmill.
Donald Duck, saying screw you to pants since 1934.
You`re beautiful until your Photoshop 30 day trial has gone.
You want to see Americans become activists? Cancel a TV show they like.