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If laziness was a sport, I would win first. Except I would have to send someone to except my medal.
Matchbooks exist just to be clues in detective movies.
Dad, I love how we don`t even have to say out loud that I`m your favorite. Happy Fathers Day!
Boys are like roses, watch out for the pr!cks...
My friends and I played fantasy football in high-school. No league, we just constantly thought about the cheerleaders.
"Go left at the chopsticks in the road" - Chinese directions
The existence of the `snooze` button tells you everything you ever need to know about the human race.
Take my advice, I’m not going to use it.
Before Instagram, I used to waste so much time sitting around having to imagine what my friends` food looked like.
I`m losing my mind, but as long as I keep the part that tells me when I gotta pee, I should be OK
How come dogs aren’t ticklish?
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says "Please give me a hand" is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Without coffee, I’m just a really tall 2 year old.
My blood hound was just attacked by a Crip hound.
I always thought I looked like romeo, until I washed the picture off my mirror...