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Any perfume that claims it will help you seduce a man is lying if it doesn’t smell like a pizza.
The real reason I`m not a superhero.... Pockets, I need my pockets.
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead, but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.
Aren`t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know...The birth of Santa
My wife said we could have a three way "when pigs fly" so I showed her a police helicopter.
I just don`t have enough middle fingers for today.
I don`t like people who can`t make fun of themselves. It means more work for me.
I`m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone "I`m ok, I`m ok"
There was a spider in my bathtub so I got a tissue and very carefully burned the house down.
My therapist says I am too preoccupied by vengeance.... We`ll see about that.
Have you ever noticed that the & symbol looks like a guy dragging his butt across the floor?
If I was gonna make a bomb, I`d use the same color wire for the whole thing.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
When my dog sniffs another dog’s poop I can only assume that it’s their equivalent to checking a friend’s facebook page.
If you Google the word `overreacting` there`s a picture of me using a fire extinguisher on a spider.