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The cashier at the dollar store told me to have a good day. Like my purchase of shelf liner suggested any other plan.
It`s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
I like holding the door for people who are far away, you know so they have to run a little.
For all those girls that say `all guys are the same` ... Who told you to try them all? Hoe.
if you hold a dinner fork really close to your eyes, you can pretend that they`re in jail
WEB MD should have a simple answer like “Calm down-you probably just ate too many cookies!”
Gyms are full of people that haven`t found the right couch.
You can tell a man`s age by how close their socks are to their knees.
I`m not funny, I`m just kidding u
What am I taking to the Family Thanksgiving feast? Tupperware.
When it comes to f*cking around, I don`t f*ck around.
"Better to be pissed off than pissed on!" Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I`m not angry or covered in piss.
Friends are like condoms… they protect you when things get hard.
It seems racist that they call it Black Friday just because a bunch of people are trying to get into stores in the middle of the night.
If Wendy`s think their square burgers are so awesome, why don`t they use square buns?