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I don`t need glasses ... I drink straight from the bottle.
feels like getting some work done ... so I am sitting down until the feeling passes.
Nothing stops a yawn faster than a dog trying to lick inside your mouth
I typed bitch into my GPS and guess what? I`m in your drive way. Vroom, vroom mother f*%ker.
It may look like I`m doing nothing, but I`m actively waiting for my problems to go away.
When she says she`s madly in love with you, concentrate more on the word madness.
I`m not sayin you are stupid, I just said that you have bad luck when you`re thinking.
The wet spot in my bed is tears
What do people mean "get ready for bed"? I am ALWAYS ready for bed.
If anyone is interested I`ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Neil Armstrong lands on the moon: 5 pictures. Girl goes to Bathroom: 47 pictures.
If nobody hates you, you are doing something boring.
That prince in Sleeping Beauty doesn`t get enough credit for kissing someone who hadn`t brushed her teeth in forever.
I`m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment. I tried it once, and I nearly killed some guy on a bike.
You’re not important enough to have haters. You just have a few people who notice you’re an a$$hole.