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The patience I have for my kids is directly proportional to the amount of people watching me.
Roses are red vilouts are blue your moms beautiful what happened to you!
Lord, grant me the courage to be the person I am under my breath.
If there are ice cream trucks in the summer, why aren’t there Starbucks pumpkin spice latte trucks in the winter?
Grabbing a drink after work is perfectly fine.However, you look like an alcoholic when your getting that drink at 6am.
I was late to work because I was having car trouble. And by car trouble I mean I was sleeping and not driving the car.
I`m no auto mechanic but I`m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I`d like to read a medication bottle that says, "May cause extreme sexiness".
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,…Why don’t you ever smile in my pictures?
Within 2 minutes, I can gather enough things to allow me to sit and watch tv without getting up for at least 4 hours... Don`t question my laziness
May your neighbors respect you, troubles neglect you, angels protect you and heaven accept you.
Don´t you just hate it when people say stuff in their status that you really didn´t want to know? I hate that. Anyway, I gotta go poop.
If you Google the word `overreacting` there`s a picture of me using a fire extinguisher on a spider.
If our phones were really smart, they would tell us to get off of Facebook and do something meaningful or constructive with our lives.