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Facebook is like Chinese food. When you think you had enough, you want more.
Here is your New Years Resolution. All of that stupid sh!t you did last year? Don’t do that crap this year. Done. You’re welcome.
I`m in hospital after eating what i thought was onions instead they were daffodil bulbs. Its ok doctors say i will be out in spring.
If you`re going to walk a mile in my shoes...Can you pick me up some beer on your way back?
You’re not in a serious relationship until he leaves you in a room alone with his phone.
Watching MTV Cribs makes me feel better about downloading music off the internet.
If a clown farts, does it smell funny?
A smart man washes his hands after he pees. A wise man doesn`t pee on his fingers.
A three hour long movie adaptation of pages 74 and 75 of the Hobbit? Friggin count me in.
Just read an article about a new species of spider in Sri Lanka that is the size of an average human`s face. In an unrelated matter, I have decided to NEVER visit Sri Lanka.
Just picked the remote up off the floor with my feet while lying on the couch, so I guess today was leg day...
Kim and Kanye have been married WAY longer then I expected.
Just stopped by my old high school and updated my phone number on all the bathroom stalls.
Taxes are like a subscription to your country that you can`t cancel, no matter how bad the service gets.
Relationships are not a test... So why cheat?