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I met a woman on a dating site that said she was high maintenance when I finally saw her it looked more like she was in need of major repairs
Okay, calm down. Its a spider. Just one tiny litt- HOLY MOLY IT MOVED!
There are a thousand better ways to spend your time and yet here you are with me.
Why doesn’t McDonalds have an order taking microphone on both sides of the car, yet?
Why does Facebook even give me the option to `Like` my own status? Of course I like my status, I`m F*ck!ng Hilarious! ...and Sexy.
I pretend to like people everyday. It`s called being an adult. That`s why we`re allowed to buy booze.
Relationship status: Runs alone at night in hopes of being abducted.
Is it wrong to swallow my multi-vitamin with a beer?
Kids are like debit cards. I get yelled at when I accidentally leave them at the store.
Tip for women; All men really want is to be close to someone who will leave them the hell alone.
I can bench 250 lbs. And by that, I mean, I can sit myself down on a bench in a local park.
My mother in law called me today and said? ”Come quick. I think I’m dying” I said, ”Call me back when you’re sure”.
People who go rock climbing: you know you don`t have to, right
The fastest way to find out if your wife is just pretending to be asleep to avoid sex is to pick up her phone and start scrolling.
“Have you tried just eating a ton of pizza?”- me as a therapist