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We live in a society that’s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
I tend to say “I don’t know” when I’m too lazy to think.
If anyone could read my mind I`m pretty sure they`d be traumatized for life.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I`m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild
Are you reading this from a toilet? I’m writing this from one.
You can’t call them “love handles” if nobody loves you
why does a round pizza comes in a square box?
I like my relationships like I like my eggs: over easy.
You had me at “We’ll make it look like an accident.”
The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she’s going to get me something.
Life Tip: Get a birthday card with anything you are embarrassed to buy.
Has anybody seen my keys? they`re awesome.
If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I would for sure pick living.
I`m not ignoring your calls, I just love my ringtone.
A recent study has found that woman who carry little extra weight live longer then the man who mention it