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When I`m home alone, every noise I hear is a serial killer
Think of me as an idea. A really, really bad idea.
Never let a medical procedure scare you. That`s what the bill is for.
“Check that sh!t out” luckily rarely refers to actual sh!t.
Appearing on several episodes of Cops doesn`t make you a TV star.
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they`re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
I hate it when people like their own statuses * At this point you like your status for dramatic effect*
Relationships are like yard sales. They look good from a distance, but once you get there it`s just a bunch of sh!t you don`t really need.
Life is like a p@nis. Simple, soft, straight, relaxed and hanging freely. Then women make it hard
I`ll never be to old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Christmas time always make me blue :-(( and then red, then green, then oh wow.. presents...
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms: LOL - Lucifer Our Lord, BRB - Burn Religious Books, TBH - Tell Beelzebub Hi
You know you’re a mom, when someone says they have a stomach ache and you ask if they pooped today.
I kinda like zombies...but can we go ahead & decide whether they can run fast or just walk? ... my apocolypse plans depend on it ... thanks!
Saw A bumper sticker that said "Fat People Are Harder To Kidnap" not sure if he was a proud fat man or a disgruntled kidnapper though.