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I shouldn`t have to work. People should just pay me for being awesome.
Stress balls really work when you shove them down someone`s throat.
Sometimes you have to burn a few bridges, to stop the weirdos from following you.
Me: Mom…Dad. I’ve decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: Ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside.
Arguing politics is like trying to convince someone that their baby isn`t cute.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you`re the crazy one.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
I was shocked when I heard the local Radio Shack is closing. Mostly because I had no idea we had one.
I like to go to the bar and flip peoples license plates upside down, then go home and listen to my scanner.
There`s no `i` in "Shut the f*ck up!"
I told my girlfriend to get me a newspaper. Dont be silly, she replied. Borrow my iPad. That spider never knew what f*cking hit it.
The guy who named the "chimichanga" should be given more authority to name things.
Since everything is closed for Thanksgiving I’m going to drive around and park in all the good spots I never get.
A girl who lives hundreds of miles away texting you “I’m drunk” is like a lasagna texting you from Italy saying “I’m delicious”
Sex Is Like Math: Add The Bed, Subtract The Clothes, Divide The Legs, And Pray To God You Don`t Multiply!