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The weekend went by and I don’t remember any of it. That’s a good thing right?
All I see on Facebook is penis, orgasm, bang him, bang her, bullwhip, masturbate, porn, tits, and then I read everyone else`s posts..
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
if you hold a dinner fork really close to your eyes, you can pretend that they`re in jail
I like to reply to late night snapchat selfies with "what the f*&% is that behind you?!" just because I know the sender has no way to review the photo and will spend the rest of their night scared out of their minds.
Guests are coming over for Thanksgiving... Almost time to booby trap the medicine cabinet with marbles.
When I was a kid and was going to "get it" that was bad. Now I`m an adult and I`m going to "get it" :)
I saw a baby wearing a bib that said, “This dumbass put my cape on backwards”
I`m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone "I`m ok, I`m ok"
I have reliable inside information about Apple`s next product. I will not be able to afford it.
feels guilty for not spending more time with my kids. I should really get them a Facebook account.
heyy lol
My dad use to take me to the circus to see the clowns, freakshows and the bearded lady. Now... I can see them anytime shopping at Walmart.
Youth is wasted on the young.
I asked my wife if we could get a hot young nanny. Of course she got mad and said "No!". For one thing, we don`t have any kids...