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(For women only) Wants to go on the Maury Povich show and hear, "You are NOT the mother!"
Violently swerving your car will not throw a spider off the window. Doesn`t work like it does with humans. Just in case you need to know.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they`re talking?
I didn`t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach the cookies.
I had a Dr. appointment this morning. He asked me how many beers I drink. I held out my hand and said this one is only my 4th, I`ll call you back later with the total.
What Meatloaf wouldn`t do for love I would probably do for a six pack.
So what the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Their house paint is peeling.
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, `You`re only interested in one thing,` and you can`t remember what it is.
I was like "No, Pepsi is NOT ok. I wanted a Coke." And she was all "Sir, 911 should only be dialed for real emergencies."
I`m watching Godzilla tonight.... His parents asked me to babysit
I like to think outside the quadrilateral parallelogram.
Key to a Happy Life: Get a job where people ask, “You actually get paid for doing this?”
Hey Pringles, it`s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn`t exactly thin-wristed.
I paid My 11 year old $10 to do the dishes, then on her way to the bathroom I mugged her...because, you know, life lesson.
The best way to let people remember you is to `borrow money from them`