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Some days your the bug; some days your the windshield.
This town has more white trash in it than a dumpster behind a paper plate factory
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
If you have attention deficit disorder, throwing boomerangs isn`t for you.
Hardest question in a relationship, "What do you feel like eating?"
Someday, I`ll live in my OWN basement!
If by self-help you mean helping myself to all the liquor in your cabinet... Then yeah... I`m about as self-helpful as they come.
My key to happiness is probably lost somewhere in the junk drawer.
How many Oreos is too many?...Is it 25?...I feel like it should be more than 25
Just spent 20 minutes on the treadmill without breaking into a sweat......tomorrow I might even switch it on!
Why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
My doctor said I should eat better. I told him, with what he charges, Iām lucky I eat at all.
Whenever a wrong number calls me and hangs up I always call em back and tell them it was their loss because I`m really fun to talk to.
It`s nice to feel wanted. Even if it`s by the FBI.
Sorry, Sarcasm falls out of my mouth, like stupidity falls out of yours