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Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks, “why don’t you eat all the food?”
If life is a Bitch, then why hasn´t it made me a Sandwich?
My boss calls it a cubicle. I call it a happiness deprivation chamber.
I forgot to pay my bill to the exorcist and so I got re-possesed.
If you guys could read my mind! It would be all like; " "
Convincing my dog I really threw the ball is the closest I’ll ever get to being a magician.
Gun Control: Use both hands
Its not you, it`s how you don`t make me sandwiches.
Michael Schumacher`s former crew just visited him in the hospital. They changed the wheels on his bed and his drip in 4.4 secs.
I met a lady named Polly once. She didn`t care for crackers, nor my sense of humor.
There are two types of people...don`t worry you are not one of them.
Let`s be honest... Gay Divorce Court would be the best thing to happen to daytime TV in the history of ever.
It’s funny how “You’re so funny” turns into “You think everything’s a f*cking joke” in just 3 months…
Word to the wise - make sure the phone is 100% hung up before you call someone an a$$hole.
I`m feeling 22.. Pounds overweight.