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To all the waiters out there: we don`t get impressed when you try to memorize our orders, we just get nervous.
"I`d like a bowl of soup please." "Any sides?" "I hope so, or it`ll go EVERYWHERE."
I don`t care how smart your phone is, it`s not going to change how stupid you are.
“Do you have a charger?” is the new “Could I bum a cigarette?”
If you think you’ve hit rock bottom, the only thing that can cheer you up is bringing somebody else down with you.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
What`s a burnt pizza, frozen beer, & a pregnant girl have in common? In each scenario, there`s a dumb guy who didn`t take it out in time.
Excuse me but which level of Hell is this?
I would’ve slept my way to the top years ago if it actually involved sleeping.
Whenever I give money to the homeless, I get yelled at that "they are just gonna buy booze with it". All I can think is ... Oh like I wasn`t ..
We can put laser-equipped robots on Mars, but wrinkled dollar bills still don’t work in vending machines?
Thats it! I want to be re-inserted and I don`t want to remember a darn thing!
I`ll never join one of those dating sites. I prefer to meet someone the old fashioned way. By alcohol & bad decisions.
It`s kind of funny how as you get older, you start enjoying things that you hated as a kid, like taking naps and getting spanked.
How long does it take to get obsessed?