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Just once, I would like to see a person on a daytime talk show say, "dad was a good parent...mom was a good parent...the problem is me, I`m just a sh!thead."
When it comes to bug protection, you just can`t beat "OFF!".
You can`t lick any part of your reflection except your tongue.
If men could have multiple orgasms, lotions would cost more than an iPhone.
My neighbors don`t appreciate it when I skip along the property line, singing "This Land is My Land."
Is it wrong to swallow my multi-vitamin with a beer?
How do I like my eggs? ... Ummm, in a cake
If people winked in real life as much as they do in texts, the world would be a really creepy place.
I used to play sports. Then realized you can buy trophies. Now I´m good at everything.
When you say "9 out of 10 forest fires are caused by humans." All I hear is "there`s a bear out there that knows how to use matches."
The most impressive thing about how cowboys used to have showdowns at high noon is that they could get two people to be on time to something
Best thing to do when you`re stuck in a group text is to to throw your phone in the street and start a new life and maybe get some chipotle
If my jokes offend you: 1. I’m sorry. 2. It won’t happen again. 3. 1 & 2 are lies. 4. You’re a wussy.
The only correct answer to the question are you sleeping is no.
I would like to publicly apologize to anyone I have NOT offended…I will get to you shortly.