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Those 4 words that will get any girl into bed with you. `I won the lottery`.
When I woke up today, I had no plans to be awesome, it just happened.
You never really know how many inches you`re gonna get or how long it`ll last. Snow, maybe.
I`m not ignoring you, I am simply giving you time to reflect on what an idiot you are being.
My friend on Facebook "Can`t believe its Monday again already"... if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Doing the moonwalk is the only way to look cool while wiping dog crap off your shoes.
I made a salad with red wine vinaigrette only I left out the vinegar and the oil and ok it`s just lettuce with wine all over it. Anyhoo, I`m drunk.
It`s not condescending if they`re stupid.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight .... So I got that going for me.
I should be asleep, but there are a lot of things I should be.
If you`re not employed by the Secret Service, there is absolutely no reason to have a Bluetooth on your ear.
Driving isn`t even in the top 5 things I`m thinking about when I`m driving.
“I’m not washing it, I’m just gonna shove it in a pony.” If you’re a girl, that sentence is actually ok.
Space heaters are the perfect housewarming gifts.
Pizza doesn’t ask questions. Pizza understands.