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Conspiracy theory for conspiracy theorists: Your conspiracy theories were planted by the government to distract you from real conspiracies.
Our #1 problem in this country is that nobody wants to take responsibility for anything ...but please don`t quote me!
"Nineteen letters long" is 19 letters long.
Hello is this HP? I’d like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet and you sent me a printer.
One great thing about life before the internet was if you met someone, you didn`t then have to know them the rest of your life.
This is the only comment you should be leaving on porn sites: “Why are you doing this? Please come home. Your mother and I are heartbroken.”
wife: It`s ruining date night me: It`s ruining date night because you`re letting it ruin date night hitchhiker: Just drop me off on the corner
Win every argument simply by repeating your opponent`s last sentence in a whiny voice.
Spice up your Facebook experience by making your status updates your google searches.
People say laughter is the best medicine, but I’d like to think a beer is the way to go.
Running shoes? No, I don`t run. These are my "better hurry up the liquor store is about to close" shoes.
Beach people are fickle. One minute you`re the loser with a bucket of cold fries and the next they`re terrified of the Lord of Seagulls.
If you had to choose between your significant other and a million dollars, what`s the first thing you`d buy?
If we’re not supposed to eat late, then why is there a light in the fridge?
Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.