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When I see people jogging outside I like to drive slowly down the road behind them blasting “Eye of the Tiger” just to give them motivation.
Why is there a show called “When animals attack”? It should be called “When stupid people go near dangerous animals.”
Someday, I hope to be so rich that I`ll never be happy again.
Ah Friday...my second favorite "F" word!
When I get home the first thing I`m going to do is rip my wife`s panties off. Because they`re too small and the elastic is killing me.
Shoutout to this ATM fee for making me buy my own money.
Sometimes bigger is just heavier
These spaghetti-o`s taste like I don`t get paid until tomorrow.
Next time some one does something REALLY stupid, just smack them and say, "Man, did you see the size of that bug?"
I cannot turn water into wine but, I can turn ice cream into breakfast so that’s pretty neat.
I wake up everyday planning to be productive and then a voice in my head says “haha good one” and we laugh and laugh and take a nap.
Just shaved my legs for the first time since October...just kidding, it`s not warm enough for that yet.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed? Oh sheet.
I suppose cougar is a better term than old whore.
If you never jumped from sofa to sofa as a kid to avoid the lava, then you missed out on childhood.