Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
During the summer months, be sure to dress for the body you have. Not the body you want.
“Why is life so hard?” – Me, trying to open a jar of peanut butter.
Love means never being able to like another girl’s selfie on Instagram ever again.
My kids are always accusing me of having a "favorite child" which is ridiculous because I don`t really like any of them.
Wife: Hi honey, did you miss me? Husband: With every bullet so far...
Siblings – the only people who will pick on you and then kick the a$$es of anyone else who does it.
Turtles make an awesome jogging buddy.
I tried to be a Rap Singer once. Sadly my rap album, `I Respect the Police & the Risks They Take to Keep My Community Safe`, didn`t do too well on iTunes.
Pulling out a winter coat and going through the pockets to find out who I was 8 months ago.
The real trouble with reality is that there`s no background music.
You ever notice that the number of extra steps a drunk takes getting home? ...its staggering!
Sorry I wore tear-away pants to your wedding. In my defense I really thought I had on underwear.
I’m going to start wearing Summer’s Eve as a cologne. The vast majority of beautiful women seem to be attracted to douches.
Bank called asking if my credit card had been stolen. They were concerned because it hadn`t been used at the liquor store since Friday.
A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be.