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People say circumcision dosen`t hurt. I was circumcised when I was born and I couldn`t walk for nearly a year.
I knew you were coming so I baked a cake ... It was delicious.
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn´t multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be.
If your pillow fort hasn’t got an armory filled with Nerf guns, then you’re not really taking pillow forting as seriously as you should be.
At a wedding reception someone yelled: “All the married men please stand next to the person that made your life worth living” The bartender was nearly crushed to death.
I`m as conflicted as a strip club addict with a glitter allergy.
I bet it’s called Almond Milk, because no one would buy Nut Juice.
You seem like a sweat person. Mind if I lick you to find out?
I haven`t crunched all the numbers, but early calculations show that a large percentage of people don`t care what you think.
Just once, I`d like to clock out from work by sliding down a dinosaur.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
You know you are in trouble when your mom screams your whole name.
I always find the "easy-open tab" right after I finally manage to tear the package open with my teeth.
Is it yoga if you wear sweatpants all day and then hunch over the garbage can as you eat a burrito?
People say I`m too patronising (that means I treat them as if they`re stupid).