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Guinness for breakfast because its Ireland somewhere.
Just made a bunch of money by standing outside a party and charging $3 to enter ... I don`t even know who`s party it was!
Whenever I check my weight, I always subtract 5 pounds. I don`t think that boobs and brains this fabulous should count against me.
In sign language, arthritis is a speech impediment.
From now on when someone asks you where you`re from look them dead in the eye and say: Planet Venus.
Bless me Father for I hit send.
When I think of you I touch myself ... On my temples ... You give me a migraine.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Dogs love you even if you’re ugly.
According to science the atoms in my body contain the energy of 30 hydrogen bombs, and yet, not enough energy to get up early and go jogging.
This beer is making me awesome !! ;)
If you find a four-leaf clover it means you have entirely too much time on your hands.
When a male octopus finds a mate, he rips off his happy place and throws it at the female octopus so she can inseminate herself. Then the male grows a new happy place. If that isn`t the most epic way to tell someone to go $*&# themselves, I don`t know what is!
One of these days I’ll realize that leaning forward in my car while accelerating does not make it go any faster.
All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.