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My Therapist told me not to drink while I`m on my Meds but little does she know...I`ve been off my Meds for almost a week now!
I woke up this morning and my "check liver" light was on.
If you ever want to watch a women feel herself up for ten minutes, hide her cellphone.
Your secret is safe with me as long as it`s boring.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I`m like "That`s enough exercise for today"
I think you and I both know that you`re not facebook friends with me for the funny statuses.
Show me a bunch of people with type A personalities, and I`ll show you a control group.
Pretty nice opinion you got there. It`d be a shame if someone were to...not give a sh*t about it
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren`t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Yes, Facebook says we`re `friends` but, trust me, I wouldn`t hesitate to punch you in the face.
If it wasn`t for pizza delivery, you wouldn`t see me shoveling a walkway.
To all who called into work drunk today. Happy St Patrick`s Day.
If your wife says "what would you do without me?" "Live happily ever after" is NOT the correct answer.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
I prefer a slowie not a quickie.