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Ever had sex while camping!? It`s intents!
The ceiling fan DOES NOT make a good lettuce shredder....
I`m already going to hell ... now I`m just trying to get a good spot.
Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year, and then discover once a year is way too often.
If no one from the future comes back to stop you, is it really that bad of an idea?
Are you always this stupid? or are you just making special effort today...
If my body was a car, I`d trade it in for a newer model. Cause everytime I cough or sneeze, my radiator leeks and my exhaust backfires.
I would run a marathon. If the only 2 bars were 26.2 miles apart and the first one was closed.
So can we just skip to summer now?
boss: why are you peeing on the floor? mikeski: i already filled up your coffee cup.
I`m more of a "the glass is half shattered into a million tiny pieces" person.
Mornings are the best when they start in the afternoon.
I`ve been having real problems with nuisance phone calls lately. The most common one seems to be "You said you`d be home from the bar three f*cking hours ago!"
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.
Have you ever loved someone so much, you wanted to keep them hidden from the world and all to yourself? Well, apparently its called kidnapping