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Some call it alcoholism, I call it "keeping my emotions hydrated"
They should turn off Netflix at 1:00am for people with jobs and no willpower....bastards
There`s a difference between having a unique name and a common name that`s spelled wrong.
Girls say they want a guy who is funny and spontaneous but when I tap on the window at night dressed as a clown it’s all panic and screaming.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing
Sometimes I order Domino`s but give them Pizza Hut`s address. And when they show up and start fighting, I just wait with my mouth open.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy, if you put it in your stomach first.
I’m drinking while I work out…I call it Bacardio.
My life is like a romantic comedy except there’s no romance and It’s just me laughing at my own jokes.
The irony of all this is, the internet was created to save us time...
It’s not weird to talk to yourself, it’s just weird when someone else hears you talking to yourself.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I`d go on a road trip with my mom.
I dont think I could ever stab someone.. I barely can get the straw into a Capri Sun.
My friend`s Jeep was broken into and she acted so surprised about it. Your car is held together by zippers! It`s as secure as my pants.