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Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old`s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
Sex with human, ok. Sex with cow, not ok. Grabbing cow titty, ok. Grabbing Karen in accounting`s titty, not ok. Apparently.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I`m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God, I could be eating a slow learner...
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over? Me: pfft. I could think of like fifty reasons, Iām not falling for that.
Do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don`t have to be there
Do you remember that creepy guy who stood behind you on a train 6 years ago and was smelling your hair? Hi!
I WON THE LOTTERY, SCREW YOU ALL! ... Sorry, just practicing
Staring longingly at the door works for my dog, but I tried it at work and no one let me out. :(
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little Lamb. Maybe she wasn`t that hungry.
The thinner the eyebrow, the crazier the woman.
If only someone on the internet would give me their opinion on the election.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Stop picking on Justin Bieber. That`s somebody`s daughter.
Putting your finger on someone`s lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word" is super-romantic. But the cops didn`t think so.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.