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I can alwasy tell when movies do not use real dinosaurs
I am so confused. My boss just said "keep up the good work" and I have no recollection of doing any such work.
Always keep a note in your medicine cabinet that says, “I thought you were peeing?”
Dropping a can of soda and sticking it back in the fridge all shaken up for the next person to open is not nearly as funny when you live by yourself.
I walked into the bar sober with $42 & walked out drunk with $42. But you`re right fellas, men are smarter than women.
You have got to have worse hand-eye coordination than a lama on crack
Ever get the feeling someone is watching you when you sleep? Yeah, sorry about that.
Holding my breath until someone likes this status.
"May the 4th" be with you!
I`m not fat. My stomach is in 3D
Can you imagine the reaction 20 years ago if you showed people a photo album filled with pictures you took of yourself in the bathroom?
After a year in therapy my psychiatrist said to me " maybe life isn`t for everyone"
A 15 year old took gold in the Olympics and then there is me whose greatest accomplishment is getting up to 10 on flappy bird.
I don`t own a thesaurus, is `cock meat` a synonym for `fried chicken`?
If I had a penny for everytime I heard you bitch at me I`d have enough money to invest in a hitman