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I may not be the richest guy...or the smartest guy...or the funniest guy...or the best-looking guy...or the .....:( Forget it, now I`m depressed.
I don`t have mistletoe this year, so we`ll just have to kiss under the influence.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself "do I want to see it?" If you do, it`s not on Netflix.
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if it at least moved a vacuum around the floors once a week.
My dog reminds me of my ex. She doesn`t pull her weight financially and she`s scared of the vacuum.
After how long is it ok to tell your friends that they are imaginary?
I can`t wait to be rich so I can price things from high to low instead of low to high when shopping online.
The worst thing about finding out Santa isn`t real is that you realise it was your parents who were to blame for all the terrible presents
Holy sh*t! Did you guys know Facebook has a "sign out" button?
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
People are like snowflakes. If you piss on them they go away.
I swear on this f*cking chicken I will never swear again. Oops.
Walmart...because going to Target requires identity theft protection and a shower.
People who over-exaggerate make me so mad that I just want to light everyone on fire.
Buy a "World`s Greatest Boss" mug and drink out of it in front of your boss.