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I thought we had something. You met my family, made us dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughter`s school concert.
Lots of us suffer in silence. You should try it.
Friend told me that on her strict new diet, she eats each meal naked in front of a mirror. I said would you like to come over for dinner?
Having kids is like being at a press conference: "No, you can`t put the dog in the washer - next question." "No, you can`t really fly -next"
Scientists are adding an extra second to the year 2015. Yeah. Here`s the bad news. You just wasted it reading this post.
i hope your life is as long and useful as this roll of toilet paper!!!
Well ... here I am ... cleverly disguised as a responsible adult!
I really just need a vodka cranberry and a slap on the a$$. Hold the cranberry.
When people have cars as their profile picture I automatically presume they are a transformer.
I sometimes check my blocklist to see how my prisoners are doing
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
There`s no hiding it, my ex sucks at school... And in cars, alleys, and public restrooms...
A 15 year old took gold in the Olympics and then there is me whose greatest accomplishment is getting up to 10 on flappy bird.
Sorry I drunk dialed you at 10am.