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During Sex you burn as much calories as running 5 miles ... Who the f*ck runs 5 miles in 30 seconds.
Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say, “Close Enough.”
Love is grand. Divorce is 100 grand.
Fun Fact: Even though they call it a "man hole", you can shove women and children down it just fine.
I DON`T UNDERSTAND IT! WHY THE F*CK WOULD SOMEBODY BREAK INTO A HOUSE JUST TO STEAL A REMOTE CON - Never mind, I found it.
You know you`ve picked the right friends if no one has nominated you for the ice bucket challenge
Why are there never any good side effects. Just once, I’d like to read a medication bottle that says “May Cause Multiple Orgasms”
I`m fortunate that anger and nicotine have zero calories.
Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an I-pad
I`m not saying that I`ve been online too long, I`m just saying that when I close my eyes I scroll through my thoughts
When I say I like to travel, I really just mean I like to get drunk in different places.
Candy Crushers keep inboxing me saying that they need "lives" as if I didn`t already know that.
scratch here ¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦ to reveal my status
I`m making a list of regrets. Just to be sure I`m accurate, how do you spell your name again?
Life is basically just a constant effort to not be disgusting.