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My girlfriend thinks I`m a stalker. ..well, she`s not exactly my girlfriend yet..
When they say: "Wow, you`re really photogenic." What they mean: "Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are."
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Saw someone try and park a car for about 10 minutes. I didn’t see the person so I’m not going to assume what gender she was.
My boss told me that there is no such thing as problems, only opportunities. I said, “That’s great. Well I have a serious drinking opportunity.”
All my life I thought air was free… and then I bought a bag of chips. ^^
Jehovah`s witnesses would probably be welcomed into more houses if they brought booze or cookies.
Hey, sorry I missed your call. I saw your name on the caller ID and I didn’t want to ruin my day by talking to you.
Every conversation should come with a snooze button. That way if you`re being too boring, I can push a button and keep you from talking for the next 10 minutes.
News flash! someone just found Carmon Sandiego!
They`re all cop cars when you`re this high.
The only solution to a problem is to find the source and Kill it.
I don`t care if you wear footie pj`s or sleep with a Snuggie. If you swish Listerine in your mouth for the full 30 seconds, you are BADA$$.
Take my advice; I don’t use it anyway.
Friending someone on Facebook and complaining about what they post is like phoning someone to tell them you don’t want to talk to them.