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The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Sometimes you have to burn a few bridges, to stop the weirdos from following you.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
If by sexy you mean me licking the donut icing off my fingers then yes I can be damn sexy.
Thinking about moving to Alabama just so I don’t have to scroll through all those other states when I sign up for websites.
Don`t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.
Is it just me, or is Fantasy Football basically Dungeons & Dragons for jocks?
People ask me why I don`t have any tattoos and I respond with, would you put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari?
Yes, my attitude could stand some improvement but my insurance does not cover those meds.
I`m not worried about the zombie apocalypse that is coming. I`m worried about the fcuktard apocalypse that is here right now.
The naked truth, is always better than someone’s best dressed lie.
Doormats are a gateway rug.
If i had a dollar for everytime i was thinking about you, i would start thinking about you.
These bar stools are creaky!! [continues to fart on first date]
Women- God’s version of a Rubik’s cube.