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Beer and a 44 magnum with an everclear shot makes everything good like Nintendo
Don`t ask me how my night was coz I don`t know. I was asleep.
Is it too late to wrap myself up like a baby and drop myself off on a billionaire’s doorstep?
If you`re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
Make fun of George Bush all you want, but he would have found a way to bomb North Korea before they shut down Hollywood.
If we aren`t meant to have late night snacks, why is there a light in the fridge??
Worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but doesn’t get you anywhere.
Checked my bank balance at the ATM and was happy to see I had 707 dollars in it until I realized I was holding the receipt upside down and it said LOL instead.
Slowly, Waldo`s wife and Mr. Sandiego started putting the pieces together.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces.
If anybody steals my identity, at least I’ll know who to look for.
"We`d be rich if you just said one f*cking word" - me, drunk, talking to my dog
I`m so lonely that my cat owns a cat.
I`ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
If you think husbands aren`t good listeners, whisper "Come here, I`m naked" from anywhere in the house and see what happens.