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When I`m bored, nobody texts me. But as soon as I`m busy, BAM! ... still nobody texts me.
“Do you have a charger?” is the new “Could I bum a cigarette?”
"And then I rented a monster truck and drove it through their f*cking house!" - How all my stories would end if I was a billionaire.
Hey pigs, stop trying to swallow entire apples. You keep dying!
is easily distracted by shiny objects.
If watching the big-screen TV with your pants off and a bag of Doritos is wrong, then they shouldn`t have couches at this Best Buy.
Just saw a homeless guy sleeping in a box and it was surrounded by bubble wrap. It must be his alarm system.
Hugh Hefner dead at age 91. With the amount of Viagra that guy must have been taking, good luck closing that casket lid.
My view on chocolate: God’s way of saying, “No hard feelings,” to those of us who aren’t getting any.
This coffee would work better if I could throw it at people.
When someone tries to tell me they can`t do something, I`m like "you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?"
If your dog is fat it means that you don`t get enough exercise.
When I`m bored, I like to superglue Doritos to my cat and make it run around the house like a stegosaurus.
Friending someone on Facebook and complaining about what they post is like phoning someone to tell them you don’t want to talk to them.
I love food, napping on the couch, and getting super excited about car rides, I`m basically a golden retriever.