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Whenever someone says to me, "Oh, you look so familiar, where do I know you from?" I like to respond with, "Do you watch porn?"
Who knew rock bottom was so crowded?
I’m like a kid in a candy store. I can’t afford anything.
On your deathbed tell everyone "pray for me" then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says "pray harder next time."
The nice thing about being single is when you`re setting the silverware, it doesn`t matter which side you put the remote on.
I look forward to paying off all my debt so I can get back to just being broke.
All you single ladies, please stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don`t subject an innocent cat to a life with you.
More celebrities should donate blood. I mean, imagine having the blood of Will Smith running through your veins.
Know why girls cross their arms when they`re angry? Boobs. Just a little reminder of who`s in charge around here.
75% of men kiss their wives good bye when leaving the house. 100% kiss their house good bye when leaving their wives.
Girls, dont read this please: Hey guys, isn`t it funny how our wives/or girlfirends really think that we care what they did that day? lol.....it never gets old.
Newton`s third law of emotion. For every male action there is a female overreaction.
Me: I`m gonna lose weight. Me: I`m gonna exercise every day. Me: I`m gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?
just realised MR OWL ATE MY METAL WORM is exactly the same backwards
Ways to Win my Heart: Buy me Beer Bring me Beer Be Beer.