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My wife says "YOU`RE DRUNK!" like it is a bad thing.
Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday.
I found out why I`m still single. Apparently, you have to go outside and let people see you.
I can already tell this is going to be one of those days where I am not rich and famous.
I Don’t answer text messages right when I get them so I don’t seem desperate. Then, I forget about them and never respond.
Of course morning sex is better. You haven`t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
I wish my car was fueled by my lack of desire to go to work.
Taking my wife to a wife swapping party tonight… Hoping to get a PS4 in return.
All my life I thought air was free… and then I bought a bag of chips. ^^
By thigh gap you mean the distance between the KFC and my mouth right.
At what age is it appropriate to tell my friends that they`re imaginary?
The easiest way for me to lose inches is to switch to the metric system.
sleep is for people without netflix
I know you shouldn`t text and drive but I`ve only had 2-3 texts tonight, tops, so I should be okay to drive.
?"May contain nudity".. either it does or it doesn`t.. quit waistin` my time.