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If Shrek can find love, so can you. What I`m trying to say is, you look like Shrek
My greatest talent is being able to watch 5 years worth of a TV shows in one week.
Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
"That was supposed to be a compliment." -Men
Car sex is not fun...that tailpipe BURNS
How do you get in touch with the models in the pictures that come with the frame? I have an out of control, elaborate lie I need help with.
People with kids, your posts are all the birth control I need.
Looks like I’m in the doghouse again, but I don’t know why. All I said to the wife was, “Is there anything important you want to tell me before the World Cup starts?”
Facebook posts with 12 hashtags, who the f*ck are you trying to reach?
Don`t let this historic Cubs World Series win distract you from the fact that Donkey never made Shrek those waffles he promised to make.
The girl next door looks over at me, then her phone, then makes a disgusted look on her face. I think she`s just found my Facebook account
Somebody needs to teach opportunity how to use a doorbell.
Safety Tip: lock your doors and windows before bed. Btw, I love what you`ve done with the place.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
I like to listen to mexican radio but I dont know what they are singing or saying so I just pretend they are singing about how awesome I am.