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If I could turn invisible I’d go to Paris and beat up a performing street mime… The amount of applause he’d get would be amazing!
I saved someone`s life today. Well, I resisted the urge to strangle the life out of some idiot. That`s the same thing, right?
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching ‘Night at the Roxbury.’ “Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?”
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms...
Facebook looks so boring on the outside, but once you start using it, its like NARNIA BRO!
My personality is 30% the last movie I watched.
Really discouraging that there`s still bald people in sci fi movies.
When people stay in a horrific relationship instead of breaking up, I assume they killed someone together.
I`m off to get my beauty sleep. Yeah, I know...I`m already so beautiful you can`t stand it! I promise...a little more isn`t lethal...yet! ;) Goodnight!
Seems like you must have been pretty stupid to get caught for murder in the 1800s
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
My coworkers will stand around confused during a fire drill but the office turns into the Hunger Games when there`s lunch brought in for everyone
A week is just five days of wishing you had nothing to do followed by two days of wishing you had something to do
Whoever snuck the s in "fast food" was a clever little bastard.
Elevator music bothers me on so many levels