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A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Autocorrect is a great feature, but it can also be your worst enema.
Gonna start a new job tomorow at a archaelogical site, I know I`m gonna dig it.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Dating Tip: If you eat a magnet and slip another magnet into your date`s drink she`ll never be able to leave you
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box? What else could possibly be in there???
These peopele at the gym are looking at me like they expect me to share my donuts ... SMH
You`re the reason why I believe in condoms.
If you go for a jog and you don`t post it on Facebook, have you really jogged?
I`d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars. Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Long story short, I love summaries
The hardest thing about my juice cleanse is trying to juice Snickers
dreams of a better world... where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned
Hysterical Shrieking should be reserved for truly serious situations such as Centipedes, Spiders, and that Creepy Uncle that likes to give everyone back rubs.....