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everybody has a girlfriend or boyfriend, and i`m just over here like `i love food`.
Hey movie villains - make a bomb where the wires are all one color.
Sticks and stones may break your bones. Also good: lead pipes.
Meditation never worked for me, so I tried something even better..."Beditation"! You lay down close your eyes and you wake up an hour and a half later!
I just made a voodoo doll of myself. Can someone take it to the gym?
so, on a scale of one is to seven, which letter of the alphebet is your favourite colour?
I’m offering a $1000 reward to anyone who brings me $1000 and a taco.
It doesn’t matter what it is. It is automatically cool if it glows in the dark.
Gyms are full of people that haven`t found the right couch.
The ski racks on my car say I’m fun, adventurous, and can’t figure out how to take the ski racks off my car.
Love is like a rubber band, we keep pulling, someone let’s it go, and it hurts the one who held on.
I talk to myself because my answers are the only ones I accept
There’s a police helicopter above my house right now, so I’m cashing in and calling everyone who has ever said “when pigs fly.”
Whenever I feel all alone in the world, I remind myself that I`m a valued customer at several grocery stores.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?