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PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese`s Pieces. Oh, and my wife`s really being a bitch.
People say "Happy Thanksgiving" which is nice, but then they ruin it by saying "Don`t eat too much". Do they want me to have a Happy Thanksgiving or not?
"Probiotic" sounds a lot better than "bacteria infested"
Person: You`re blocking the view. Me: B!tch, I am the view!
Relationship status: Runs alone at night in hopes of being abducted.
I know money talks but I wish mine had a better vocabulary instead of just ‘Spend me’.
In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that I’m right.
The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts while the stupid ones are full of confidence.
I sent that "Ancestry " site some information on my family tree. They sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested that I just start over
I may not be a veterinarian, but I know a horses a$$ when I meet one.
Hey bartender, pour me another, I see ugly people.
I keep my TV volume at "screw the neighbors".
I really hate it when I have to watch the same channel for 2 days because the remote fell behind the couch.
Why does using a straw make it so much harder to admit there’s no more soda?
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.