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My superpower is making people laugh ... Which would be great if I was trying to be funny
When people ask me if I`m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they`re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101. Today`s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you`re here now, you failed.
You bring everyone a lot of joy ... when you leave the room.
The overspray from my windshield washer fluid just totaled a smart car.
ah... Crocs the 21st century version of the chastity belt
How to get laid: 1)Lay on bed... Wait 1 hour until lay becomes past tense
I’m not going bald. I’m getting more head.
I used to have a life. Then some idiot came along and said "Why don’t you make a Facebook account? It`s fun".
It`s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
My opinion of yoga pants varies depending on if I`m at the gym or if I`m at Wal-Mart
Had a great time watching the family oriented PG rated Shrek with my grandson last night... until he asked why a Donkey would have sex with a Dragon.
GAL: Would you keep me in your heart forever? BOY: Nop! GAL: (sadly)...why? BOY: Because then you`ll occupy only one part of me...but i`ll keep you in my heart, mind & let you complete me.
Dieting Tip, 1. Make a list of people who have a problem with your weight, 2. Cut them out of your life. 3. Enjoy having lost Hundreds of pounds of Idiots.
If Wendy`s think their square burgers are so awesome, why don`t they use square buns?