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Life is better when you can share it with a friend that has the same sick, twisted personality as yourself.
Normal trees probably look at Christmas trees all dolled up and think .. "Whore"
Whenever I open my fridge, my dog looks at me with a puzzled look and he thinks, “why don’t you eat all the food?”
Actually baby, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening
Thanks to the State Farm commercial now I want a Falcon.
Be honest, you haven’t even walked a mile in your own shoes.
It only takes one slow walking person in the grocery store to destoroy the illusion that I am a nice person.
Facebook: an alternative to drunk dialing.
I`m not crazy, I`m just special!!...No, wait...Maybe I am crazy. One second...I have to talk to myself about this, hold on...
My decision making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel when crossing the street.
I bet people who like their own statuses wink at themselves in the mirror too.
Always keep a bottle of wine in the fridge for special occasions. You know…like Thursday.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
"Oh my god, you`ve gotten so fat! Want me to make you something to eat?" - my mom