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St. Patricks day is the only time you can ask somebody in public,"Do you want some green" without you looking suspect.
"Should I add more liquor?" is the most ridiculous question I`ve ever been asked.
Ugly people who live in glass houses…shouldn`t live in glass houses.
Car horns were invented 1% for safety and 99% because people get pissed off sometimes and need to let a mofo know.
I hate how homeless people shake their coin cups at me. I get it. No need to gloat that they have more money than me.
BEFORE I GET DRUNK, NAKED,THROWN IN JAIL AND LOOSE MY DAMN PHONE. *HAPPY NEW YEAR.
Currently helping my son look for his chocolate that I ate last night.
The best nights are those when it never crosses your mind to update your Facebook status.
It is amazing how quickly kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, dishwasher, or vacuum cleaner.
In the interest of improving the workplace, my company has put up signs that say: CAUTION. OPEN DOORS SLOWLY ... My best time so far is 7 min.
To Do List: 1: Buy a knife 2: Call it kindness 3: Kill people with Kindness
Kids these days with their high tech cell phones. They will never get the experience of being stuck in a tree and not knowing if anyone is coming to help. Oh, and could someone come and set my ladder back up so I can get down.
I`ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
I’m so old, I can remember going through a whole day without taking a picture of anything.
If only losing weight was as easy as losing my cell phone, my keys, my temper, or even my mind ... I`d be SO skinny!