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There is a big difference between a guy and a girl saying "I went through an entire box of tissues during that movie."
I`m always tempted to yell "Kevin!" mid-flight.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
I want someone to look at me the way I look at chocolate cake.
I had a blind date once, her name was ..::..::.:::::…:::::
Offering a homeless dude $5 from across the street is my version of Frogger.
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain a lot of things......a LOT of things.
"Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?" -chickens
I still remember when everyone wanted their phone to be smaller. Now that we can watch porn on them, everyone wants them bigger.
She texted me: "your adorable." I replied: "no, YOU`RE adorable." Now she likes me, but all I did was point out her typo.
Every time I`m not with my kid and someone asks me "Where`s the baby?" I just yell "Oh crap!" and run in the direction I came from.
If you want to bribe me food and beer works.
I only drink coffee because cocaine is too expensive.
I`m starting to wish I were a werewolf so I`d have a better reason for waking up nude in public with no memory of how I got there.
I always look out for #1 ... unless I`m walking thru my yard, then I look out for #2