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Are nap dates a thing? Because that`s something I can work with...
My business card is just a label I peeled off a beer bottle.
I f*cking hate you. Hope that clears things up.
Don`t hate every single one of your friends yet? Get Facebook.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
I only like clicky pens when I am the clicker.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
If I had a nickel for every time I`ve misplaced my keys, there`d be a jarful of money I would also have to look for
Sometimes I buy huge pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Sidenote #2: Always have your middle finger ready on standby.
The fact that you don’t find me amazing doesn’t bother me at all, it just confirms what I have suspected all along; that you have bad taste.
Great friends never let you do stupid things......alone
"I need to talk to you” is the one sentence that has the power to make you remember every bad thing you’ve ever done in your life.
If my grandmother were alive today, I`m pretty sure she`d still have her blinker on.
Hey, car designers, you have kids, right? How is "limo window partition" between the front and back seat not an option yet?