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When you put ‘aspiring’ in front of your chosen profession. What I hear is: I’m unemployed.
Does anyone else make transformer noises when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Instead of calling it the John, I call my bathroom the Jim. That way I can say I go to the Jim every morning.
That very akward moment when Shakirah`s hips lie!
The hardest part about being an adult is trying to hide how you`re still a child.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I`m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that`s what she wrote in her diary.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and my number of friends.
I should win an Oscar for acting like I`m busy at work.
Give a man a jacket, and he will stay warm when he goes outside. Teach a man to jack it, and he won`t go outside at all.
I start a lot of conversations with "goodbye" in hopes that I trick people into thinking we already talked.
There’s a police helicopter above my house right now, so I’m cashing in and calling everyone who has ever said “when pigs fly.”
I was going to give you a nasty look but I see you already have one!
status uploading
People who over-exaggerate make me so mad that I just want to light everyone on fire.
A 4-way stop is an IQ test you take in public.