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Easy way to kill me: Dangle a spider from my rearview mirror while I`m driving.
People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow
"I believe I can fry" - R Kelly filling out McDonald`s application
You know you are getting old when people keep telling you how young you look.
You`d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their butt in the mirror they would be able to parallel park.
10 years ago Facebook came in to our lives forever changing our ability to judge each other from our couches.
I have removed all the unhealthy food from my house ... It was delicious.
Trying to get in shape for all those people I`m not having sex with.
If Monday was a movie, it would be very long and boring.
Don`t fall in love, learn how to ruin your life all by yourself.
I could really go for a vegetable sandwich! Maybe some tomatoes, some spinach, cucumbers... With cheese. And a hamburger patty. And bacon. Ok I really want a bacon cheeseburger.
If you really want to know how she feels about you, get her drunk & then piss her off.
God: Is there anything else you need Adam? Adam: yes I want a Sandwich! God: Ok let`s create eve.
Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
The best part of being a kid is probably saying, f*ck it. I`m going to be Spider-Man today.