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Today`s big idea - Coffee eye drops
I downloaded this app called "Hide & Go Seek". Ever since then I cant find my damn phone.
I like the parts of the day when food happens.
Son to mom: why should I sweep the floor? Mom to son: do you want to be an Olympic Curl champion?
My neighbor`s are going out of town for the weekend so I finally have the house to myself.
Bitch Iām not insulting you, Iām describing you.
I`m not saying you`re a slut but you`re dirtier than my browser history.
I`d say that 6:30 is the best clock time, hands down.
How long does it take possums to realize when one of them is actually dead?
Ice cream is clearly God`s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
I`ve had such a bad week First my girlfriend got run over by a bus, then I lost my job.. ..as a bus driver
I`m kind of like Hugh Hefner. Only without the mansion, the exotic cars, the girls, the magazine and the money. Basically, I`m just a guy in a bathrobe.
You are like that one crazy wheel on a grocery cart.
Can you LIKE this status with your elbow? (no cheating)
HR says I`m not allowed to scream "OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP" when I walk through the front door at work anymore :(