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I`m definitely the drunkest person in this ball pit.
I joined weight watchers last month, so far I lost 38 dollars...
I’d like to think I’ve taught Citibank a valuable lesson about handing out credit cards all willy-nilly.
All guys should learn from Mario Bros. No matter how far their princess is, they should go after her.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I`m having several tonite.
I`m on this great new diet called "sleep through breakfast"
Sometimes I feel like giving up...Then I remember I have a lot of motherf*ckers to prove wrong
Dear Costumer Service: I wonder how long I`d be on hold if my call wasn`t important to you?
I love you in a bipolar way because I hate you.
Instead of going to couples therapy, married people should just join tinder and see what a nightmare single people have to deal with.
The longer I stay at home, the more homeless I look.
u cant spell awesome without me
I fold down my laptop screen very slowly at night so I don`t squish you guys.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Did you know that if we laid all the facebook account owners end to end around the world. Three quarters of them would Drown? Hmm ....