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If my superpower was to be able to stop time, I`d totally use it to take a nap without people noticing.
I didn´t outsmart you. You just outdumbed me.
only fights if pillows are present.
The good thing about being 6' 6? is that if I develop a bald patch, no one will see it..Unless you’re using Google Earth.
I hate it when my fat makes me look fat.
Don`t do drugs. Become a Pop star and they give `em to you FOR FREE!
LIKE if you hide your favorite food from your family
Anyone who knows me obviously knows a shit ton about awesomeness.
The best part about being over 40 is we did most of our stupid stuff before the internet.
What do we want? An end to auto-correct errors! When do we want it? Cow! Sow! Bow! Tow! Duck this...
If I were to quit my job today and become a psychic, I would advertise with a sign that reads, “Voted best psychic of 2016!"
I just put Santa hats on all my Halloween decorations.
The female praying mantis devours the male within minutes after mating, while the female human prefers to stretch it out over a lifetime.
New documentary movie about white trash .... I only saw the trailer ....
At least a stalker is there for you.