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Ziploc`s idea of how big a sandwich should be is very different than mine.
The women at this gym act like nobody’s ever tried taking their measurements before.
Nobody wants to know your diet. So shut up, eat your lettuce and be sad.
This morning I woke up to a surprise BJ. Thats the last time I fall asleep on the train with my mouth open.
Why does everybody call it a "hot water heater?" It`s really a cold water heater.
A man in front of me at Walmart is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life he wishes she had sent him for tampons!
My dog is a typical guy, I talk to him and he’s all wagging his tail, but I know he’s not listening. I get it ladies.
"You CAN even."- white girl life coach
I am convinced that Kellogg`s works for our Government and all that Snap, Crackle, Pop is CODE.......
shoutout to people who have money but still order off the dollar menu
Hugh Hefner dead at age 91. With the amount of Viagra that guy must have been taking, good luck closing that casket lid.
I am there for you no matter what, anytime, day or night, unless there is something good on TV or I am eating pie
I think it`s about time Taylor Swift wrote a song called "Maybe I`m the Problem"
I just don`t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift